The infamous Charles Manson, an 80-year-old who is serving life in prison for conspiracy to commit mass murder, has just acquired a marriage license and is getting set to wed to 26 year-old Afton Elaine-Burton. Most people are shocked and appalled by this, but Manson has always been a singularly charismatic man, one with a feel for courtship and romance that has long been overlooked. For decades he’s been dispensing dating advice in a prison column called, “And The Dragon And His Angels Fought Back. “ Here is a short selection:
Dear Dragon:
There is this guy in Cell Block D who looks amazing in orange and I really want him to be my bitch, but MS-13 have claimed him. I really don’t have the muscle behind me to take him, and I can’t buy him, either, but I really think we might be in love, any suggestions?
Cellmate 2563514
You are an angel for love, man! A dark angel, made of fire and blood and lust, like all your ancestors before you! Your body is only a vessel and it means nothing, and so you must give your body to the MS-13 so that you may give your soul to your bitch. The MS-13 will take you as their flesh-lover, and in return they will give you your paramour. If this fails, orchestrate their murders and eliminate the gang so that you can have Looks-Amazing-In-Orange all to yourself!
Dear Dragon:
I’m doing life for a triple homicide and feeling really lonely. Sometimes I worry that I missed my opportunity and that maybe love has passed me by. I’m a little bit shy, except when I’m angry or on Meth, and I have trouble socializing with the other inmates. Can you offer me any advice on how to find love before it’s too late?
Cellmate 7836102
Well, the gym is an awfully good place to showcase your earthly body and mingle with all the other guys. I’ve seen a lot of romances blossom, some very immediately and very intensely, in the gym yard, and it’s a beautiful, violent and loving thing to witness, man. If working out isn’t your bag, though, I’d suggest meeting people through Movie Night or Bible Study, and if that doesn’t work, perhaps you should orchestrate the murder of several inmates in order to highlight your virility and mystical powers over the conformist world around you.
Dear Dragon:
My cellmate keeps raping me. I’ve wanted to break up with him for months now, but then he always does something sweet, like spit on my lawyer or cut himself because he loves me. This, of course, just pulls me right back in and then he just continues raping me again. What can I do?
Cellmate 6680348
You need to express your feelings to him, Cellmate 6680348! You have to let him know that it hurts your heart and damages your self-esteem when he rapes you. It might just be that he has always been a rapist and doesn’t know that in some cases it isn’t the best way to express love, but if he doesn’t respect you on this it’s time for a conscious uncoupling and you must orchestrate his bloody murder.
