These are a series of personal ads that I wrote for the Craigslist Missed Connections section. They are all located in my kind of sketchy neigbhourhood in Toronto.
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Corner Store on Queen East
It was Tuesday night and you were in the Green Grocer corner store. You were wearing pink hot pants and a parka, and you were distracting the cashier by telling him a story about how you weren’t going to pay for his stale licorice. As you were doing this, you shoplifted three chocolate bars and some batteries. I was standing in the line behind you and saw that you had excellent technique. I’d like to see you again so I could show you my excellent technique.
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Queen East and Broadview
You were wearing a bright red Don Jail prison jumpsuit and were yelling at a TTC driver for not letting you on the streetcar. You called him a “Paki fart hole.” I laughed so hard I spit out my dental plate! I’d love to get together some time to trade some stories!
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TD Bank at the corner of Logan and Queen
It was about 1:00 in the afternoon and there was a really long line-up waiting for the tellers, which was frustrating to everybody. You, with your long Fabio-like hair, became our Alpha fox and immediately took control of the situation and began to yell, demanding to see the manager and calling the tellers, “lazy, fat job stealing immigrant thieves.” And then you started to poke the security guard in the chest. I was the chick who began to clap, and please don’t worry about my cough, as it’s nothing too serious.
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Beneath the Go-Train overpass on Queen East
It was daylight, and I think it might have been Friday. You had pretty decent teeth, were sporting a big, bushy beard, wearing three toques and talking to yourself. I wanted to know what you were saying, but was too shy to ask. We should meet in the park sometime.
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Queen East in front of the The Value Village
I saw you on Tuesday afternoon getting busted by some undercover Cop. You looked defiant and proud as he pushed you up against the wall, and I thought it was cool the way you made it look like you wanted to get busted. I really wished I had been the one frisking you.
By the way, I really dig short guys.
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Jimmy Simpson Park
Tuesday at around 9:00 pm I was doing my thing in the park when I heard screaming coming from the rink. I went over and saw you fighting with some kid in a Montreal Canadians jersey. You were just pounding him and blood was gushing out from his mouth like it was a movie or something. I banged on the boards and yelled, “Fucken-A, Montreal sucks, Montreal sucks!” I’d like to think that maybe I inspired you a bit, for when the city workers were dragging you off the ice, you made direct eye contact with me and thrust your fist in the air.
I swear, I almost creamed my jeans.
Call me.