Many of you may not know this, but after it’s announced that you’ve won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest, you’re required to write a letter of acceptance to the magazine before they can send you the signed copy of the cartoon you captioned. This is my acceptance letter:
March 14, 2012
Marcel Andre Picard:
It is I, Michael Murray, writing to delightedly accept the honour of winning the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest!
Being in the New Yorker! Man alive, I have to say that’s been a dream of mine for years! I’ve often thought about all the wonderful things that take place in that famous New Yorker building. I imagine aimless corridors trailing off into dead-ends, some cobwebs and secret staircases, elegant wallpaper and celebrities in rain boots.
In one room you might find some eccentric writer knitting hats for robots, in another a collection of taxidermy from around the world, and then perhaps there’s the room where you select the cartoon caption contest winner. I imagine this room to be full of pigeons, very messy pigeons. With puffed-out chests they strut dumbly about, soiling all the genius submissions that lie beneath them. Moronically, they peck away, and whatever submission gets caught in their beak, well, you must decide that’s to be finalist.
I can think of no other methodology. You have failed me so many, many times.
It took you guys forever to pick my submission!
Are you even awake in there?
I should have won 12 times by now, at least!
No matter, I’m not the type to hold a grudge.
I am a free-flowing river.
However, as you have been negligent in your duties I’d be interested in trading up from the prize of a signed-copy of the cartoon. Honestly, I have no idea who the cartoonist is that did the piece, and doubt very much I could sell it for much on eBay. I mean, if a famous baseball player signed the cartoon or a reclusive actor, then things might be different. But it’s not like that, is it?
So, instead of the cartoon I would like a date with Dolly Parton.
I have questions for her and believe that she would be excellent, even sparkling company. (Why doesn’t Dolly Parton write for you? I would read her fucking movie reviews in a second!)
I also think that instead of unloading your used cartoons on the contest winners, you should stat giving them The Murray Award, which will be a gold statuette of me saying something clever.
I am an idea man.
I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for finally recognizing me!
Michael Murray