Every year around President’s Day my dreams are infiltrated by figures from the American political landscape. It’s weird, this and I’ve recently started to share these night visions with my psychiatrist who has begun to try and help decode what they might mean.
Dream #1
I am driving down a road and I see Ronald Regan trapped inside of a giant jellybean. I don’t know why, but I see this as a danger and am seized by a kind of panic. I hit the gas and plow right into the Regan jellybean, but instead of destroying it I find that I’m now trapped inside of it. Everything is in slow motion and Born in the US begins to play on my car radio and I can’t turn it off.
Psychiatrist interpretation:
This is an anxiety dream, one that recalls your childhood fears and sense of powerlessness in the face of a nuclear showdown between the USA and the Soviet Union. You want to have sex with a monkey.
Dream #2
I am a rabbit in this dream and I am hunting Jimmy Carter. He’s fast but I’m faster. Carter is scared and I can smell his fear. I pounce on him and tear him to pieces.
Psychiatrist interpretation:
This is an anxiety dream. You have unresolved feelings regarding your sexuality and should start wearing a cape to see how that makes you feel.
Dream #3
I am at a dinner party and all of the guests are cold. I decide that I should start a little fire and begin to place some kindling in the fireplace. At this point James Madison, the fourth President of the United States, begins to criticize me, telling me that I’m rude and have no idea how to start a fire. I’m offended and pull out a pistol and challenge him to duel, but just as I do so all sorts of smoke pours into the dining room. It turns out I’d forgotten to open the chimney flue. Everybody laughs at me.
Psychiatrist interpretation:
This is an anxiety dream, one that shows you feel that although you’re well intentioned, you will always be misunderstood. You want to have sex with slaves.
Dream #4
William Shatner, Abraham Lincoln and I are having a steam bath. Lincoln looks over at me, “Do you want to see what’s under this hat?” Shatner bursts out laughing and I begin to blush.
Psychiatrist interpretation:
This is an anxiety dream that suggests you are frightened of the future. You want to have sex in outer space and should probably start to see me twice a week.
Dream #5
I am in New York City and it’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I’m watching all of the floats and balloons and really enjoying myself. Suddenly, George W. Bush grabs me, pulls me into an alley and begins to passionately kiss me. “The war is over, sweetheart, the war is over,” he keeps saying. I begin to unbutton my shirt.
Psychiatrist interpretation:
You are at war with yourself. You want to have sex with men. You are very, very gay.