As many of you know, I’m now on a gluten, wheat and dairy free diet. The naturopath that Rachelle and I visited suggested that I keep a journal describing my feelings regarding the “new path that you will be journeying upon.” He also said I should colour-code my mood for each day, adding, “Eventually, you want all your days to be sky blue.”
Here are some excerpts from my journal:
Day 4:
I feel angry.
I don’t believe that there was ever an Alpha male on this planet who stood up at a dinner party and said, “I’m sorry, but I have some dietary restrictions. Is there any wheat, dairy or gluten in any of the food you’re serving? Oh, okay. No worries, I have some carrots in a baggie over here. By the way, we march on Rome at dawn!”
Colour: The green/black of a tornado sky.
Day 7:
Last night I had a dream that actress Jennifer Lawrence and I were living together and I barked at her for brushing her hair too loudly. I woke up angry and ashamed, feelings that have stayed with me all day.
I learned something new today while watching the Stanley Cup finals with some buddies, and that is that beer is a gluten-saturated beverage. I hardly ever drink beer but I was completely demoralized to find out I can’t drink it, or eat the fucking nachos and burgers that everybody else was devouring with ease and relish.
I felt left out and got drunk on gluten-free vodka.
I also got in my first fistfight since grade five.
I hope it wasn’t captured on video as it turns out I cannot take a good slap.
Colour: Colour coding my days is stupid.
Day 9:
My Instagrammed dinner:
I am now eating colours instead of food.
Colour: Fuck you.
Day 14:
Fuck Montreal.
Fuck Montreal in the ear hole.
I just cancelled the trip we were planning on taking there for Rachelle’s birthday. I don’t want to go on a trip that’s defined by all the perfectly crafted, delicious foods I’m not allowed to eat. If I can’t have a croissant or smoked meat sandwich, then Rachelle doesn’t need a birthday. I have put my foot down.
Colour: A confident, furious black
Day 16:
It’s nice being back in Montreal and it was both thoughtless and selfish of me to try to cancel our trip because of my dietary restrictions. Just because I can’t have a smoked meat sandwich doesn’t mean that Rachelle shouldn’t enjoy one in front of me! And hey, she should go right ahead and flirt with that beautiful man in that saucy hat! 
He’s leaning against an awfully nice looking car! I bet it’s worth more than a house! Happy birthday, Rachelle, don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in my gluten-free corner!
Colour: I am interested in trying crack cocaine.
Comments
3 responses to “My Gluten, Wheat And Dairy Free Journal”
quite hilarious, this makes my heart smile.
I’m three months in on the same diet. Welcome to the club.
Gluten Free Crack Pie
Oat Cookie for the Crust:
6 Tbs unsalted butter (room temp)
4 Tbs brown sugar
2 Tbs granulated sugar
1 egg
3/4 cup plus 2 Tbs GF oats (I use Bob’s Red Mill)
1/2 cup GF flour mix
1/8 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp baking soda
heaping 1/4 tsp salt
Crust:
Oat cookie- crumbled
3 Tbs unsalted butter- melted
1-1/2 Tbs brown sugar
Filling:
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/2 brown sugar- packed
1 Tbs non fat dry milk powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter- melted
6-1/2 Tbs heavy whipping cream
4 large egg yolks
1 tsp vanilla
powdered sugar for dusting
Makes one 9inch diameter pie
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Start by making an oatmeal cookie for the crust. Using a stand mixer, combine 6 Tbs of room temp butter with 4 Tbs of brown sugar and 2 Tbs of white sugar. Mix until light and fluffy, about 2-3 minutes. Next, beat in one large egg.
In a separate bowl, combine the gluten free oats, 1/2 cup of gluten free flour mix, 1/8 tsp baking powder, 1/8 tsp baking soda, and a heaping 1/4 tsp of salt. Stir the dry ingredients a little at a time into the mixing bowl with the butter, sugar, and egg. Mix thoroughly. Line a 9×13 metal baking pan with parchment paper and spray it with nonstick spray. Spread the batter out evenly in the pan. This can be a little tricky because everything wants to slide around and the batter is pretty gooey. Do the best you can, if you have gaps or holes in the batter it’s OK, everything will melt together as it bakes. Pop the cookie in the preheated oven for 17-18 minutes or until golden brown. My cookie baked for about 12-13 minutes. Remove the cookie from the oven and allow it to cool completely in the pan on a cooling rack. I mean it, don’t sit there and pick at it, I know you’ll want to.
When the cookie is completely cool, crumble it with your fingers into a medium sized bowl. Next, add 3 Tbs of melted butter and 1-1/2 Tbs of brown sugar. Mix everything together with your fingers and then press the mixture evenly into a 9inch baking pan, go up the sides as well.
For the filling; in a medium bowl, whisk together 3/4 cup of white sugar, 1/2 cup of packed brown sugar, 1 Tbs of nonfat dry milk powder (you can find this in the baking section of most groceries stores and it’s cheap) and 1/4 tsp salt. Add 1 stick of melted butter and whisk until blended. Finally, add 6-1/2 Tbs whipping cream, 4 egg yolks, and 1 tsp of pure vanilla extract. Whisk until well blended.
Pour the filling into the crust. Place the pie dish on a rimmed baking sheet and into a preheated 350 degree F oven for 30 minutes. Reduce the oven temperature to 325 degrees F and continue baking for 15-20 minutes or until the filling is brown in spots and set around the edges but the center should move slightly when shaken gently.
Remove from the oven and allow to cool on a rack for at least 20 minutes. Dust with powdered sugar. Refrigerate any left overs.
Crack Pie is meant to be served cold. However, if you have no will power like me, it may not make it to the refrigerator in one piece. I think this pie is actually served best a little warm. It’s not very pretty but trust me, one bite and you’ll be hooked. Enjoy!!!