As many of you now know, it turns out that the zodiac signs and astrological forecasts that have guided so many lives over the centuries, has been the product of flawed astronomy. For instance, if you’ve always thought you were a Capricorn, well, it might just be that you were actually a Virgo. This, obviously, explains why so many of our lives are the utter disasters that they are.
From this point forward, all of these previous zodiac signs have been scrapped and new ones have been assigned. The following list will clarify for you what your new zodiacal assignation is and what tattoo and other life changes you may need to undertake.
If you were Aries, the Ram, you are now El Camino, the Car. This means that you are durable, tough and unimpressed by fashion. Plan your life accordingly.
If you were Taurus, the Bull, you are now Muffin, the Kitten. You are gentle and playful in nature and would do well if you pursued a career in string.
If you were Gemini, the Twins, you are now Juno, the Award. You are most likely drawn to Canada and Canadians, and must always watch your tendency to be critical of those whose ambition exceeds you own. You are also polite and unfriendly.
If you were Cancer, the Crab, you are now Fibromyalgia, the Condition. Spirituality is very important to you and you are a loyal (sometimes to a fault!) friend. You are drawn to music and shooting games.
If you were Leo, the Lion, you are now Lexulous, the Word Game. Facebook has purchased the corporate naming rights of this astrological sign and the details of the characteristics of this sign will be slowly unrolled on your Facebook profile.
If you were Virgo, the Virgin, you are now Dolly Parton, the Legend. Like Fibromyalgia, the Condition, you are drawn to music. You are often underestimated and have the ability to charm those around you. Lucky number is 7.
If you were Libra, the Scales, you are now ???, the Mystery. You are inscrutable, an unknown quantity to others and have a keen sense of design. Many ???’s pursue careers in automotive manufacture.
If you were Scorpio, the Scorpion, you are now Newton, the Boy-Centaur. Many people might think you innocent, but inside you are actually very manipulative! Many Newtons are sexually unconventional.
If you were Sagittarius, the Archer, you are now Bigfoot, the Gentle Monster. Often people will mistake you for being anti-social, but really you just need a little bit of time to be alone and regenerate. Food is a passion!
If you were Capricorn the Sea-Goat, you are now Beezlebub, the Serpent. This is bad luck for you, as it is a reviled sign and you will have many enemies.
If you were Aquarius, the Water-Carrier, you are now Hocus-Pocus, the Magician. You are always the life of the party, but sometimes avoid the practical in order to folllow your heart’s true path.
If you were Pisces, the Two Fish, you are now Maksim, the Russian. You are a fighter, Maksim, and are not afraid to show your true colours when others cower. You are unpredictable and that is your beauty.