I’ve been taking Tango lessons for the last three years. I’m not a very good dancer, but I like doing it. It gives me a good opportunity to push my boundaries, get a little exercise and meet some new people. However, last week our instructor, Hector, asked if I might consider taking a different class. When I asked him why he told me that some of the other students were uncomfortable dancing with me. This shocked me, and when I pressed him about the matter he produced a document of filed complaints, which I now reprint for you:
Mary Webster, November 13, 2009
“I can no longer be near that man. He lost a tooth one night when we were dancing. It just fell out of his head, and all he did was put it in his pocket and jam some Kleenex in his mouth, which quickly became sodden and red. I had to run to the washroom and throw-up. It is impossible, and I mean physically impossible, for me to dance with him again.”
Claire Hepburn, December 12, 2009
“I will not dance with him again. He’s just too sweaty. At first you can see it on his upper lip, and then it’s all over his face. His hands are cold and slippery, like something that lives in the water, and one night I noticed that he was sweating through his pants, near his groin. He said he had an unusually effective lymphatic system. Gross.”
Julia Barylak, December 12, 2009
“He simply can’t dance. It’s like he’s trying not to dance and you’re fighting against some creature from a parallel universe who’s attempting to thwart your every move. It’s so frustrating that when I get home after class I drink a bottle of wine and watch game shows. I really hate him.”
Alex McLaren, February 28, 2010
“He always asks me to call him The Colonel, and I’m not going to do that.”
Jillian Dickens, September 02, 2010
“He gets tired very easily and then his nose begins to whistle. It’s demoralizing, as if some ghost or the specter of death is in the room with you.”
Rei Hokkaido, March 15, 2011
“I always feel like I’m one of those prank shows when I’m dancing with him. At first it was kind of fun and unpredictable, like a witty conversation with somebody begging for money, but then it quickly devolved into a display of mental and physical illness. I’m sorry, but dancing with him just makes me sad and I come here to be happy, my life is difficult enough, you know?
Alison Perry, October 12, 2011
“He wore a mesh top to one class and is always telling knock-knock jokes. That’s enough, isn’t it? But even more, his dancing skills and ability to learn new moves are so horrible that I feel I’m regressing whenever it’s my unfortunate turn to partner with him, and I cannot do that any more.”
Aurina Gupta, September 2, 2012
“I was there the day he wore the Batman costume to class on the opening night of The Dark Knight Rises. He really seemed to think that the cape was sexy and kept spinning around and around, or rather, stumbling around and around. He knocked over my water bottle and stepped on my iPod, breaking it. I cannot tell you how much that evening upset me. I was sure he was going to get on the subway and shoot people after that class. “
Debra O’Malley, December 11, 2012
“I can’t say why, but he just reminds me of the Ikea Monkey.”
