The other day I received this email.
Hello there,
I am Chris Malvin from Salt Lake City. I want to buy a water hose and would like to know the types you have in stock. Get back to me with the types and prices so that we can go from there. Have a nice day and I wait for your response.
Chris.
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This is the response that I sent back:
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Dear Chris:
I want to thank you for considering Mike’s Water Hose Mansion for your water hose needs. As we’ve only been in business for three weeks, we really appreciate the business! First of all, if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you how Mike’s Water Hose Mansion came to your attention?
Was it our YouTube ad? The water hose sculpture we constructed at the Burning Man Festival?
I’m guessing it was our promotional Star Wars themed car wash, as that got quite a bit of media attention after the police shut us down for prostitution (not true!) and not having the proper city permits for the Pigeon Shoot section of the wash experience. Live and learn, Chris, live and learn!
I think it’s important for you to know that the hoses at Mike’s Water Hose Mansion are multi-purpose. Our hoses may be used to transmit any type of fluid you like. It does not have to be water, even though that is what the company name might imply. Chris, we don’t judge or put any limits on the imagination of our clients. No sir, we simply accommodate. If you want to use our hoses to beat a cat or for some Mormon sex thing, well, that’s up to you!
I’m not sure how familiar you are with how our company works, but in general we keep a very small stock of hoses, as keeping them coiled in the apartment gives me the creeps. It always makes me think I’m living amongst snakes, and I don’t like that. Heck, once while a little loopy on painkillers and Sauvignon Blanc, I mistakenly hacked up a coil of hose, thinking they were King Cobras, with a kitchen knife! Imagine that, destroying your own stock! Crazy! Anyway, so what we do at Mike’s Water Hose Mansion is find whatever the product is that you, our valued customer, is looking for.
If you can send us a rough drawing of what it is you need, giving us your colour and length specifications, I will send out one of my many agents to procure this product for you. As we are in the business of salvaging unattended hoses from backyards, gas stations and poorly guarded stores and factories, we can almost guarantee you the best rates anywhere on the Internet!
At any rate, thanks for thinking of us, Chris, and we’ll look forward to hearing from you and supplying you with all of your water hose needs!
Sincerely,
Michael Murray