As almost all of you know, I’m an exceedingly athletic man, and over the last couple of years I’ve emerged as a respected force in the Coed recreational sports leagues that I dominate. My prowess on the floor hockey court where I’ve led The Jesus Cobras to five near play-off finishes, is well known. I am also a fine softball player who always brings a competitive fire to the diamond, one that it treasured by his teammates. I am now going to share with you some of the nicknames my fellow players have bestowed upon me over the years.
The Asthmatic
—-This is a term of respect that honours my strategy of pretending to be out of breath in order to fool the opposition into a state of complacency.
The Fart Master
—-FART is an acronym, like AVG, that refers to a softball player’s Fully Accumulated Real Totals, a statistical category in which I have unparalleled dominance.
Oprah
—-This nickname came into being because of the folksy, black wisdom I dispensed on the bench, and because, like many African-Americans, I am very good at sports.
Bunty
—I was so named because for two seasons in a row, I bunted every time I came to bat.
K-Mart
—This was to honour my ability to strike out the opposition, and the lucky tracksuit I wore to every game.
Thunder
—Because there was thunder in my bat.
Muffin
—There was no explanation for this nickname.
The Grey Goose
—This nicknamed honoured the George Clooneyesque grey accents I have in my hair and my penchant for drinking vodka in the latter innings of the game.
Head and Shoulders
—This nickname either honoured that fact that I was “head and shoulders” above the rest of my teammates in ability, or because one season I had a scalp infection that might have been misinterpreted as dandruff.
The Trembler
—There was no explanation for this name, but it probably had something to do with me striking fear into the opposition.
Nancy
—This name was given to me because like Nancy Drew, I was good at sleuthing and was always able to figure out what pitch was coming next.