As I make a tremendous amount of money maintaining a Blog and managing several Fantasy Baseball teams, winning $26 million dollars on the Super Seven Lottery really wasn’t that big a deal for me.
But did I do anything special?
Sure.
I wanted to spread the joy around, and so the first thing that I did was to hire Justin Bieber to perform at a huge party I was going to throw for all of my friends at the ACC. I want you all to know that Justin—or J-Dawg as I call him—is a class act. He’s a real little gentleman, and the performance he gave at my bash was entirely off the hoof. He Rocked The Casbah and Let All The Dogs Out!
Unfortunately, as most of my time is dedicated to Fantasy Baseball and the art of the Blog, I have little time to socialize and don’t have very many “real life” friends, and so my party wasn’t all that well attended. (17 people—the party was on a holiday weekend) No matter, I still had fun, as the quarter of a million dollars I paid Justin also allowed for us to “hang-out” for an hour, which we did playing classic Nintendo.
As Rachelle absolutely loves animals, I bought her a zebra (named Stripes) that we have been keeping on our balcony overlooking Queen Street. Well, it turns out that maybe Rachelle doesn’t love animals quite so much as she claims she does. After Stripes kicked-out our window AC unit (I bought 6 more!) Rachelle insisted that I get rid of Stripes, and so I took Stripes to Jimmy Simpson Park, hoping that I could maybe set up a kind of petting zoo. I bought supplies to build a “Michael’s Ark” that would house the animals, and informally hired some local park denizens (homeless, wounded, drug-afflicted, etcetera…) to construct the ark, thinking that what I was doing was good for the city. Unfortunately, a ramshackle kind of drinking and prostitution hut was constructed, from which drug deals were made, and many of the construction supplies I had purchased had been used as weapons, (a huge spate of break-in’s along Queen East and the corridor streets) and sadly, Stripes was killed by a streetcar. I have been fined a rather large amount of money, and am presently fighting the city in court.
I bought 12 houses.
I also bought 12 cars, hoping that will serve as an incentive to get my driver’s license.
I also bought a private island of the coast of Dubai, one that is shaped like the continent of Africa, where one day I hope to erect Michael’s Ark.
I have also invested a great deal of money in developing a True Blood Theme Park based on the hit HBO show about sexy vampires. In my vision, there will be a signature ride called The Tunnel of Blood, and on this ride each ticket-holder will, in order to simulate the vampire experience, receive a bite on the neck– light, but firm enough to draw just a tiny bit of blood– from a mechanical device that is presently in development.
Oh, I also paid to have Billy Crystal appear as a guest at a birthday party we threw for Rachelle’s mother. He’s a small man, and really quite sour until he gets a little bit of gin in him.