Leslie Fulton of Ottawa, who has a curious mind, wonders how single shoes come to litter the streets of the city. She’s observed that there are all different types of shoes, and that it’s highly improbable that they’re simply work shoes slipping out the knapsacks of sneaker-wearing civil servants marching to and from work.
As I know an awful lot of things, I think I can help with this.
I cannot tell you just how many shoes I have lost to rage.
It happens all the time.
When something doesn’t go my way and I can feel the apoplexy start to radiate out of my eyes and fingers, then I always take off a shoe and whip it my target. Although this practice is relatively new to many North Americans, it’s been around for sometime. Remember Operation Iraqi Freedom? Remember how a bunch of guys took off their shoes and began slapping some fallen statue of Saddam Hussein with them? Remember later, when some guy took off his shoe and chucked it at George Bush?
Ever since the liberation of Iraq, we’ve been seeing more and more instances of shoe throwing on our shores, as it becomes a more common and accepted practice. I will now share with you a few of my recent shoe throwing episodes.
1) While eating a hotdog on the corner of Bloor and Spadina, a particularly aggressive pigeon– one I had seen before– kept advancing on me. I threw my shoe at it. Unfortunately, I missed, hitting a passing cyclist, who attacked me with the shoe until she was restrained by the hotdog vendor. Sadly, while this was taking place, I lost my hotdog to the pigeon predator, but was able to salvage my shoe.
2) I was splashed by a motorist during a rainstorm on Queen Street, and in a rage took off my shoe and threw it at the car. Unfortunately, I was unable to reclaim my shoe, as the traffic was intense. Size 8 ½ white Converse hightop. Left foot.
3) I was at the Roger’s Center for a baseball game, and Vernon Wells struck out three times in a row, the last time with the bases loaded. From the six hundred level, I threw my shoe at him. The shoe was not in the Lost and Found, as I had hoped, and I was unable to get it back. Size 8 ½ black leather Ben Sherman model. VERY EXPENSIVE. Left foot.
4) After I rented the movie Knowing (starring Nick Cage), Rachelle, sitting in car outside of the store, began to make fun of my pick, as she always does. I threw a shoe at her, just to scare her. The shoe landed in the middle of Bloor Street. I was unable to reclaim the shoe. Size 8 ½ white Converse high top. Right foot.
* If any of these shoes are found in reasonable condition, I would very much appreciate it if you could return them to me.