I was assigned a prison pen pal who goes by the handle “MotherTrucker.” When I signed up for the program– in which you correspond with an inmate– I had kind of hoped to get somebody fascinating and terrifying, like maybe a serial killer or a dying Nazi. I thought that would be cool, but I guess that was asking for too much, because “MotherTucker” claims to have been put in jail for a vehicular violation. Whatever. As my therapist said, “it’s not all about Michael, all the time.”
I am excerpting my last letter from “MotherTrucker” here. One note, the Christian organization that shepherds this project, insists that we use “handles” to ensure privacy, and that all profanity is blocked out.
Dear Clooney:
Did you see the SAG Awards the other night? What a ******* waste of time! It’s utter bull****!! Can you believe that Meryl Streep won best actress for her portrayal of Sister Aloysius Beauvier in Doubt!? Bull****!! I swear, they’d give her an award for taking a dump, just so long as she did while speaking with an accent. Speaking of which, do you like porn? We don’t get porn in prison.
Me and my lady used to like porn. We used to get ****** up after I got back from my weekly Montreal to Toronto run and watch hour after hour of it while eating KFC. Do you think Jennifer Aniston will ever leak a sex video? If there’s one circulating out there, would you mind telling me about it? I can’t tell you how ******* cool that would be!
Got in a fight with a white supremacist the other day. He took an extra carton of chocolate milk at lunch the other day and I called him out for it. Probably shouldn’t have done that, as sensitivities in that community have been running pretty high since the election in the US. Ended up getting my head shaved and a tattoo of a burning cross on my chest. Clooney, don’t let anybody tell you getting a tattoo doesn’t hurt, it hurts like a **********!! Especially when it’s being done with a fork and some hot sauce. ***********!!
Anyway, I gotta go, as “White Thunder Fist” wants his sponge bath.
MotherTrucker
PS: Leafs suck!!