As some of you may know, I volunteered with an organization that facilitated correspondence with a prison inmate. I was paired with an inmate who went by the handle of “MotherTrucker,” and although it was sometimes a rewarding experience, things got weird pretty quick. It turned out that this guy was really and into role-playing, and that whenever I wrote him a letter he wanted me to pretend to be “ a ghetto whore named Marcus.”
I wasn’t’ very good at this, so I contacted the supervisor of the program and asked if she could maybe give me a different inmate, which she did. This is the first letter that I’ve received from my new pen pal:
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Friend:
As I spend a lot of time alone, I am very happy for your correspondence! I want you to know that I am a thinker, and that I am often wondering about Jesus, who is my friend and co-pilot in all that I do.
For instance, I wonder what Jesus’ favourite sport would be? I like Roller Derby, as I was on a team called the Death Track Dolls until the trouble started. I was pretty good at mashing people, and didn’t mind the blood at all, but I don’t think that Jesus would really like Roller Derby. Perhaps he would be more of a fan of swimming? What do you think?
I have been saved by Jesus, so I think that he’s pretty cool. If I liked guys, I think I would like somebody that looked like Jesus, but I don’t like guys. I like girls. Does that weird you out, thinking about girls with other girls? I’m not sure if God likes it when girls love other girls, but in prison here there are only girls. Perhaps God would feel differently if the devil had put him prison with nothing but other God-Men?
I have been told that I look like Charlize Theron from the movie monster.
Who do you look like?
Jesus saves and the Devil spends!
Roller Debbie
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Roller Debbie:
Let me first tell you that I am open-minded and not at all grossed-out by the idea of girl on girl action, I mean, relations. You see a lot of that sort of thing in, oddly enough, prison movies, and on TV shows about vampires. Did you ever see the movie The Hunger? Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve made-out and I would be shocked, utterly completely shocked, if God had a problem with that. In fact, I’ve long suspected that God might have been behind that.
I also think that Jesus would like Roller Derby fine. There’s a fair amount of handholding in Roller Derby, and a lot of camaraderie so I think it would make Jesus happy. I don’t think that he’d like paint ball very much, or Short-Track Speed Skating, which is just stupid. (If you committed a crime against Short-Track Speed Skating or Short-Track Speed Skaters, then I think you’re a hero and I support you entirely!)
I think that Jesus’ favourite sport would be tennis, as I believe that white is his colour.
I look like a Spanish soccer player.
It’s been excellent to meet you and I look forward to our correspondence!
Stay well, Roller Derby Debbie!
MM