As some of you may know, I’ve been involved in a national program that facilitates corresponds with an inmate. Last week I posted a letter I received from “MotherTrucker,” who is currently incarcerated for an unnamed vehicular violation. Today, I am posing my response to that letter.
One note, the Christian organization that shepherds this project, insists that we use “handles” to ensure privacy, and that all profanity is blocked out.
Mothertrucker:
I was very sorry to hear of your run in with the white supremacists, but at the same time, I’m proud of you. “White Thunder Fist” had no right taking an extra chocolate milk at lunch, and you were right to stand up for yourself and your other inmates. Perhaps in the future, you could change that chest tattoo of a burning cross they gave you into a character from Narnia? Just thinking out loud, here.
As you requested, I looked around to see if there was a Jennifer Aniston sex video on the Net. It turns out that surfing porn can be damaging to your computer, as you might get something called a “virus.” Unfortunately, this happened while I was watching various videos to see if the lead actress was actually Jennifer Aniston. MotherTrucker, although many of the short films featured very pretty actresses and MIFL’s, there was nobody who looked just like Rachel, our favourite “Friend.” So, I have to say that I don’t think that an authentic Jennifer Aniston sex tape exists. Sorry!
However, on my journeys, I did find out that Jessica Simpson has gotten fat. Her quarterback boyfriend cheated on her– in her own bed– and Jessica has been eating ever since! MotherTucker, the world can be a cruel place, as you know after your experiences with both the law and with the white supremacists. I just wish that all the haters out there would give poor Jessica a break. I mean, she’s given us all so much pleasure over the years, and with the spirit of optimism and hope that is afoot now that we have a new president, I had hoped people wouldn’t be so petty.
On another note, the Super Bowl was yesterday, and the Steelers beat the Cardinals. I’m afraid that I bet against the Steelers, and now owe Goran, my bookie, $2,000. A serious man, that Goran. I have asked my girlfriend—Persephone– if she would drive me to Buffalo so that I might donate some plasma and get some cash later this afternoon. I tell you, I am not in her good books right now, as I ruined our computer ( I am writing from the public library right now) with that “virus” I got from looking for the Aniston video.
At any rate, I have to go now MotherTucker, as there is a particularly pushy 12 year-old girl who just reported to the librarian, that “mister four eyes has been hogging computer #4!” Whatever. Her Ipod is too loud, but you don’t hear me complaining, do you?
I will send you a postcard from Buffalo, and if you, or any of your prison chums know of any quick ways to score two thousand dollars, I would be crazy grateful, as I’m in a little bit of a jam right now.
Jesus saves!
Your friend,
Clooney