The other day, while looking for Valentine’s dessert recipes I could make for Rachelle, I came across a window on her computer screen. By some fluke, it opened up in front of me and I accidentally read it, discovering a fan letter to Clive Owen, who is over-rated and on steroids.
I don’t know, although I am part of the Cameron Diaz fan club and have several posters of her in the bathroom and in the mudroom, I’m completely open about my affection for the actress. I mean, as I’ve told Rachelle, it’s always been my hope that the two of them could one day be friends. I, unlike some people, think that honestly is the best policy, and that the only way to move forward is through open communication. But whatever, if some people think that best way to go about things is to secretly write letters to hack actors behind the back of the person they’re supposed to love, well, all I can say is Jesus is watching and I hope that they like their Valentine’s Day gift of nothing.
February, 09, 2009
Clive Owen
42 West 11400 W. Olympic Blvd
Suite 1100
Los Angeles, CA
90064 USA
Dear Mister Clive Owen:
My name is Rachelle Maynard and I live in Toronto. I stand six-feet tall, have a Weiner dog named Heidi and smell like flowers. I just wanted to write you a short note to let you know that I think you’re an absolutely stellar actor! I don’t normally use exclamation points, but you sir, deserve one! Maybe two!!
I want to bake you a pie.
A blueberry pie, I think.
Call me.
Rachelle Maynard
xo
416. XXX. XXXX (Note: THIS IS RACHELLE’S CELL PHONE NUMBER, NOT OUR HOME NUMBER!!!)