Russian Brides

This morning I received this rather terse email:

First name: Dinara.
Surname: Smirnova.
Country: Russian Federation.
City: Dzerzhinsk.
Age: 34.
Height: 177 centimetres
Weight: 55 kilograms.
Eyes: green.
Hair Color: It is brown.

My Type of Man:
I’m waiting for honest, open-minded and traditionally oriented man who must not fail in courage and performance.
Character:
I am an attractive, slim, good-looking woman.

Interests:
I can say I am versatile, because in general I like to do all, when it is interesting for me.

Sincerely,

Dinara

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I responded:

Dear Dinara:

I hope this doesn’t demoralize you any further–and I am guessing you’re already feeling a little lonely– but I am married and thus off the market. However, as I have a very helpful nature I have decided to give you some advice on how to enhance your dating profile.

First off, I did a little bit of research and found out that your name Dinara, means wealthy in Arabic. I am pretty sure that if you just cut to the chase and went by the name Wealthy, then you would really get some buzz going. It would add a little bit of POP to things.

Imagine if you will:

“ This is my friend Wealthy, she’s a Yoga instructor in Dzerzhinsk!”
“ My name is Wealthy and I like martinis and tall men with beard.”
“ I am Wealthy Smirnova and I own a washing machine and two felines. Would you like to have lunch? My son will just watch, he will not eat.”

I tell you Dinara, this would really pique the curiosity of men over here in North America. (By the way, my name is Michael which according to a Cree friend of mine means “allergic to many things.” )

In terms of the type of man you’re looking for, I would strike “courage” and “performance” from the list. It’s difficult to interpret, and some might take it as meaning that they have to be the sort of man who isn’t afraid of ex-husbands who might be mobsters, complex sex acts or Karaoke. And Dinara, if that’s the case then I have to say you’re really narrowing the field.

Lastly, I would suggest working on your interests a little bit. The way you’ve phrased it sounds almost bossy. I mean, you don’t really “like to do all” if it’s contingent on being “ when it is interesting for me.” All that means is that you like to do what’s interesting for you, and sexually many men will find that a turn-off. Say something like:

“I am open to new experiences and experiments of the flesh!”
“I am an expert in butter making and enjoy drinking games in the evening with my loved one.”

“I do not believe in the Werwolfe. It is a myth.”
“My favourite movie is When Harry Met Sally.”

Anyway, I want to thank you for taking an interest in me and wish you the best of luck in your search for love! I hope my tips have been helpful and want to add that 177 centimetres is pretty much the perfect height for a woman, so I’m sure you’ll be meeting the love of your life in no time!