When most people I know get drunk, familiar patterns of behaviour begin to emerge. For instance, Ian slides into an inexplicable Australian accent. Frank wants to wrestle people. Beatrice talks about what an unbelievable asshole her ex-boyfriend was and Tom always reminisces about his glory days in high school.
For the most part, I thought my behaviour remained pretty consistent. Sure, I’m more likely to gamble online, hug all my male friends a little bit too long and talk to hookers, but I thought that was about it. However, the other day I realized that whenever I get drunk I always end up writing a fan letter to some movie star.
The other afternoon, after taking the dog out for a walk, I returned home drunk. As usual, I switched on the TV and began to watch the movie Practical Magic. This inspired me to write a letter to one of the stars of the movie, Sandra Bullock. This is the letter, which quite honestly, I don’t remember writing:
May, 18, 2009
Sandy!!!!!!!!
Do you mind if I call you Sandy? I hope not, because if you did, that probably means you’re all stuck-up and stuff, and that would suck. You know who else sucks? Susan. Fucking. Keswick. Sucksville. She was in my grade eleven history class and she thought she was all of that but she was not even close to all of that. She wasn’t even some of that. She was a cowbitch who thought it was funny to make fun of me because I had to wear a dental headgear. I bet she’s fat. Unlike you.
You’re pretty, Sandra Bullock.
You’re America’s sweetheart.
Or is that Julia Roberts?
Whatever.
You’re my sweetheart, is what you are.
I’m watching Practical Magic right now, and I have to say, you have it all over that Nicole Kidman. She sucks. She also looks like a cat. You look like a babe. A hot, hot babe. I would give Nicole Kidman’s nose about a 6 out of 10, but your nose, which is REAL, is probably a high 7. Your body maybe a 6.
Are you a cougar yet? You must be getting close. Are you finding out that all the pretty roles are drying up?
I’m kind of hungry right now. Might have some cheese. What’s your favourite drinking snack? I like to eat some cheese with a nice single malt Scotch. Hmmmmm.
Well, Sandra, I just wanted to write to tell you you’re hot and a passable actress, and I think we’d get along great! Next time you’re in Toronto we should get together and explore this chemistry we’re now developing. My hernia should be better by the end of June, so Party Time!!!
Michael Murray
PS: I have attached a photograph of my hernia because it’s kind of a freak-out, and you might need to know what one looks like for your next role.
PPS: I have a dog named Heidi who smells like corn chips.