Security questions for online banking

It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve started on-line banking.

It’s fun.

My favourite part of the experience isn’t the convenience, but the security questions I get to answer. I always get excited, like I’m taking a test or am on a game show where I might win fun and exciting prizes. However, I’ve had the unfortunate propensity to choose questions for myself that have kind of ambiguous answers.

What’s your favourite sport’s team?

Well, it’s the Montreal Expos, but they don’t exist anymore, and sometimes I think it’s our floor hockey team The Jesus Cobras, or maybe my fantasy hockey team Gay Bar.

When’s your anniversary?

Rachelle and I have about 12 different anniversaries, all spread out to commemorate various events we’ve shared together, and so that’s a tough question, too.

Anyhow, the point is that I kept getting the answers to these questions wrong, and not only did this demoralize me and convince me I suffered the brain rot, it also made the bank suspicious that I was actually some moron trying to hack into a bank account that had no money. As a result, we’ve changed all my security questions and I’ve been allowed to write them myself.

Q: How would you kill a man?

A: With rocks.

Q: Do you like to party?

A: Yes.

Q: Which Disney character scares you the most?

A: Cruella De Vil, but I’m also sexually drawn to her.

Q: Why am I so in love with you?

A: My money.

Q: What is it that I’d really like to do with my life?

A: Marry me and spend my money.

The other day I called my bank because I wanted to start to acquire Air Miles on my credit card, and before we could proceed the agent I was speaking to had to ask me a couple of these security questions. He was trying to be professional, and he kept pausing as if searching for another, more reasonable question before eventually just transferring me to another agent, who briskly, professionally and without a trace of humour, ran through the questions and answers before signing me up for an upgraded Air Miles program I neither need nor understand.

She was a stone cold killer, that one.