These are the text messages that I received from my wife Rachelle the other day:
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Rachelle: I already got Jones the Ghostbuster car for Christmas, so I’m not sure we need that.
Rachelle: Oh.
Rachelle: I didn’t realize it was for you.
Rachelle: I’m pretty sure they don’t make Big Jim and his Sports Camper anymore.
Rachelle: That was a different era, Pickle.
Rachelle: Yes.
Rachelle: Back then, people would look at Big Jim or Queen and see Toxic Masculinity, not sexual fluidity, as they do now.
Rachelle: That’s right.
Rachelle: If Big Jim was being manufactured now he would be holding a BOYCOTT CHICK-FIL-A- sign instead of say, a bazooka or a boozy, roofied blonde.
Rachelle: I didn’t say that.
Rachelle: I did not say Big Jim was a rapist.
Rachelle: Okay, fine.
Rachelle: I have no evidence that Big Jim was ever guilty of sexual misconduct.
Rachelle: #NOTALLBIGJIMS
Rachelle: You feel better now that’s all cleared up?
Rachelle: Good.
Rachelle: So back in the day, back when Big Jim was king, you would say, “She got stung by the Spanish Fly,” instead of, “I roofied her!”?
Rachelle: Weird.
Rachelle: But yes, I can certainly see why the Spanish community was upset by this.
Rachelle: It is a good thing the language evolved!
Rachelle: It is true, some of us have made much progress since those days.
Rachelle: Well, I guess what I meant was that if you still wanted Big Jim and his Sports Camper, maybe you haven’t evolved quite as much as the rest of the population.
Rachelle: Just a thought.
Rachelle: Remember your Mindfulness practice. The thoughts Pickle, they come and go– just observe them as they appear, but never utter them in public.
Rachelle: No, never.
Rachelle: Oh God, lots of reasons, Pickle.
Rachelle: Okay, one reason is that your voice really carries.
Rachelle: Well, that’s a problem because it means quite a few people are going to hear your thoughts.
Rachelle: I’m not trying to cancel you, honey.
Rachelle: I just want you to be mindful of what you say, and to use your indoor voice when you’re indoors.
Rachelle: Yes, even though it is flying, a plane is still considered indoors.
Rachelle: There is a lot to remember, it’s true.
Rachelle: So, a box of Jackson Trigg’s Merlot and a Gift Card for Shopper’s Drug Mart? Just like last year?
Rachelle: Okay, my love.
Rachelle: Yes, it is going to be the best Christmas ever!