What follows is the series of text messages I received from my wife from last Tuesday when the Virginia Earthquake struck and sent a tremor through Toronto, where we live:
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did u feel that???
the earthquake!
a tremor just passed through toronto!
it was wild, my desk drawer suddenly swung open like magic!
and i saw a candy bar i’d forgotten about just sitting there.
yes, i 8 it.
no, i didn’t save any for u.
the earth wanted me to do it.
that’s why it shook.
it was telling me.
kit-kat.
stop it, u don’t even like kit-kat.
really, u didn’t feel anything?
oh. you felt poltergeist activity in our apartment.
i c.
r u watching psychic investigators again?
the one where they discover a poltergeist?
michael, i don’t know y u watch such shows.
u always get scared.
u r just too suggestible a person.
r 2.
r 2.
r 2.
look, it was a damn earthquake, ok?
it’s all over the news!
stop playing scrabble and take a look!
it wasn’t ghost energy.
no.
please.
the dog is not possessed.
she’s probably just hunting a bug.
u likely can’t see the bug because you have peanut butter or something smudged all over your glasses.
her eyes don’t look evil.
they’re cute, like cocoa beans.
alright.
get an exorcism done if you must, but make sure it’s while i’m at work.
SORRY????
the poltergeist just broke my patrick swayze painting???
that was a gift from vanessa!
u know what that means to me!
If u want to get in a poltergeist activity war with me u r going to lose.
my poltergeist is WAY stronger than yours.
it will beat your fucking face in if that painting is damaged.
yes?
good.
i’m glad your poltergeist has healing powers and the painting is better.
now, go take the dog out and stop watching tv.
and don’t go gambling in chinatown again.
just get something for dinner.
and no “gambling” for dinner.
that is not the way that they make you pay.
be home around 7:00
xoxox