What follows is a series of text messages that my friend Trish sent me from her day in divorce court as she did battle with her soon to be ex-husband Pete.
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“Oh my God, Pete’s wearing his super-ugly corduroy suit in order to impress the judge. It’s fucking August! He’s sweating like a pig!!”
“By the way, the suit is 25 years old, balding and shiny in all the wrong spots, and smells of beer caps.”
“Pete has always known how to make a good impression.”
“Oh Lord, this is so surreal, they’re now calling Pete’s old pals from high school to the courtroom. It’s the reunion from hell!!”
“On the plus side, Kelly O’ Donnell, our snotty head girl, is the size of a house, but is still vain enough to have had crappy work done to her face! Love it!”
“Oh, gross! There’s Donny Magnus and he has no hair! I gave him a hand job after a school dance once! This is hell! HELL!!!”
“I can now hear Pete’s lawyer screaming in the hallway. I wonder what Pete did?”
“Can now make out Pete shrieking in hallway in that high-pitched, nasally voice of his, I JUST WANT WHAT’S MINE!”
“Fine with me, he can have his porn stash. He hid it in the garage. I tell you, the man is brilliant.”
“Pete is now taking the stand. He is sweating THROUGH his corduroy suit. Huge pit stains, like Bruce Springsteen in concert.”
“OMG! He’s congratulating the judge, who is black, on how far she has come and how she must have a real understanding of injustice.”
“She just gave him the YOU’RE DEAD look.”
“But poor Pete, he thinks that look means that he’s being taken seriously.”
“Pete is now reading a letter he wrote about what a bad mother I am because I don’t like to cook.”
“He’s pulled out fake glasses for added gravitas.”
“Your honour,” Peter reads, “ one week we had McCain’s frozen pizza three times. I ask you, what sort of wife and mother does that to her family?”
“Ha! You know what the judge just asked? She said, “Well, if your wife was busy at work, why didn’t you get dinner?” Zing!!!!”
“He just took off his corduroy jacket and you can smell his BO from a mile away! Honestly, I saw the judge flinch!!!”
“Donny Magnus keeps looking over at me. In THAT kind of way. I think I’m going to vomit.”
“I don’t believe this. Pete just said that he gave up a promising professional career in ice hockey to get a steady job in construction to help support the family while I started up my PR firm, and that I owe him compensation for the income he would have made as an NHL all-star.”
“Michael, you’ve seen Pete skate, right?”
“He is now quoting God.”
“Oh fuck, he’s ending his piece by reciting Phil Collins lyrics:
Sometimes I lie awake, wondering if I’ll get out of here,
but the words stick in my throat and I stay.
I remember lying there, wishing I could be someone else,
trying to find somehow to get away.”
“Michael, he’s now looking up at the judge like he’s expecting her to cry.”
“This is the funniest, saddest, worst day of my life.”