The Jesus Cobras floor hockey season has came to a swift end on Wednesday. I won’t go into any details, but I will say that I don’t regret a single thing that I did and that I’m pretty sure that Korean girl on The Bomb Squad was faking her separated shoulder.
At any rate, although The Jesus Cobras will no longer be playing floor hockey, we are entering a spring league in which each week a different sport is played. This way, The Cobras will be better able to utilize both my coaching, and my athletic versatility.
I am now going to provide you with a frank scouting report of my abilities for each of the sports we will be engaged in.
1. Basketball– I am awesome, possessing the ability to leap up and touch the bottom of the net. In high school, where I played on the Junior Boys team, I earned the nickname The Enforcer, as I was the only player to get in a fight on the court.
2. Bowling– I am excellent, just so long as I get to use one of the pink lady balls. I look good in the shoes. My nickname is The Assassin, and I have the t-shirt to prove it.
3. Volleyball–I am extraordinary. My serve is a mathematical marvel, like a Bumblebee’s mystifying ability to fly. My patented Bump-Spike has confounded opponents for decades. Nickname: Fingers.
4. Dodgeball–I am gifted. I am as nimble as a mongoose, and although I throw a little bit like some girls, I am surprisingly accurate. The only downside is that I bruise easily. Nickname: Broken glasses.
5. Softball—I am completely fucking incredible. I can do anything on the softball field. Nickname: The Natural.
6. Soccer: Although I am not very good at heading the ball intentionally, I still have a scorer’s touch. Sometimes, I forget the rules about how you’re supposed to throw the ball in from the sidelines, so it’s best that we don’t play soccer directly after Dodgball. Nickname: The Chosen One.
7. Water polo: This is my weakest sport, as I am not a strong swimmer. However, I am able to compensate for this with my excellent coaching skills and my willingness to grow my fingernails long so I can scratch my opponents. Nickname: The Fury.
8. Ultimate—I consider this to be a game for hippies and dogs, and will be sick on the week this is scheduled. No nickname.
If any of you people would like to become a Jesus Cobra, just let me know as we still have a couple of roster spots to fill.