December 1, 2009
Dear Rachelle Maynard:
As Captain of the Jesus Cobras, it is our obligation to report any complaints we have received about your team to you.
Like last season, we’ve once again received a number of complaints concerning the sportsmanship of the Jesus Cobras, with many teams reporting that it’s “stressful” and “not fun” to play against your squad.
One player on your team appears to have generated the most concern. Although his name was not mentioned in any of the complaints, he was described as being “old, awkward, clearly lonely, and not very good at floor hockey.”
Does this sound familiar?
We have received upwards of 20 complaints in regards about this individual, of which I am providing a sample.
“ After I scored a goal, this jerk-off threw his Coke in my face, claiming that it was because he had a spasm caused by a bad reaction to his H1N1 inoculation.”
–Tammy Whiten (The Mashers–November 12, 2009)
“ This thin guy with glasses, who wore a matching head and wrist bands, coughed in the face of any player that tried to take the ball from him.”
–Brendan Ho (The Maple Syrups—November 19, 2009)
“ This prick, who seemed completely drunk, kept yelling racist taunts at us.”
–Alex Teaghen ( The pylons—October 23, 2009)
“ I don’t even like to think about it, but half way through the game he took his shirt off. We all asked him to put it back on, but he refused. It was fucking gross.”
–Amanda Rockingham ( The Black Betty’s—October 12, 2009)
“ When one of our players was on a break-away, this skinny, little gray man threw his hockey stick at her from across the court. He threw it like a javelin, claiming that it must have slipped from his hand. When I complained, he took off his glasses, and said in a raspy voice that I will never forget, that I was “just another fat whiner without a husband, who wished she was a thin winner. “
–Jalena Trylowski ( The Icbots—Novermber 6, 2009
As the Jesus Cobras are enrolled in a beginner level Co-Ed Rec league that is NOT competitive, we are obliged to suspend the player in question for one game, and according to our constitution, if we receive any more complaints about him, we will be forced to default the remaining Cobra games for the season.
I’m very sorry to impose this one you, and trust that you can handle the matter appropriately, as all we want is for people to have fun!
Kevin Garner
TSSC ombudsman