On Wednesday, The Jesus Cobras–my Coed Rec league floor hockey team– took on our rivals Fat ‘N Lazy.
In spite of the fact that only one of their players weighs less than 250 pounds ( a defender named Shawnika, who has to be at least 230), they’re a formidable crew. They’re hard to move from the front of the net, surprisingly nimble, and they always, always have a full roster. Sadly, last night, The Jesus Cobras were only able to field five players, meaning that everybody on our team had to play the full hour of the game without the benefit of a single substitution.
As I have 16 hernias, I had to assume the role of coach and lead our team from the sidelines.
Sitting down and sipping cappuccino, I shrieked at our team, pointing out everything they were doing wrong and that I could do better. For instance, many of the Cobras shots were ending up nowhere near Fat ‘N Lazy’s net, but smashing through my “coaching zone.”
No matter, knowing that we were going to have to conserve as much energy as possible against the faster, more skilled and better conditioned Fat ‘N Lazy, I implemented a rigid defensive system in which we “froze” the puck as often as possible. And so, the Cobras fell on the puck and smothered it all the time, thus killing as much time as possible. This proved to be very successful, and with only three minutes left in the game, we were tied at a score of 1-1.
At this point I called a time out, and with the team assembled around me, I made the dramatic move of implementing the rarely used “Judas Play.” And so, I took to the floor. Naturally, our opponents were intimidated, and when the puck was dropped, I immediately took off at a dead run. In mid stride, I let out a beastly scream and fell to the ground clutching my head. While flipping about on the floor, I yelled, “ Fire in my head! Fire in my head!!” When everybody rushed over to see what was going on, one of our players took the puck and shot it into the abandoned Fat ‘N Lazy net.
Jesus Cobras 2- Fat N’ Lazy 1.
At this point, Fat N’ Lazy, knowing they were defeated, left the court, saying some stuff about filing a protest, and how we didn’t “understand the spirit behind the game.”
Whatever.