There is a pet store about two blocks from the bar where I do most of my drinking. It’s called Haute Dogs & Fat Cats and I’m usually drunk when I visit the place on my way home after Happy Hour.
They have puppies in the store front window.
Sometimes bunnies.
At first I just wanted to buy dog treats for Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, which was something the staff seemed quite receptive to. However, I guess I got a little more enthusiastic in my behaviours, expressing my affection for the animals in ways that the uptight staff deemed “inappropriate and dangerous.” ( I am not sure, but I think they’re referring to the time I dropped a puppy on a ( non-rotating!) fan, or the time I forgot I had two bunnies in my pocket when I tried to leave the store.)
At any rate, the stupidly named store has now posted a sign on the window, one that has an unflattering surveillance camera photograph of me on it, with this message to their customers:
THIS IS NOT A ZOO FOR DRUNKS
1. We are not interested in seeing you use the fetch balls to show us your pitching wind-up or hearing about how good you were at sports in high school.
2. The animals DO NOT “have a natural love for the smell of scotch” and we do not believe for one second that is why you stagger in reeking of it.
3. The fact that you can hold four bunnies in one hand does not make you more of a man.
4. The dog treats are not for human consumption, and you completely gross us out when you buy some and start eating them directly from the bag.
5. Experiments in seeing if a cat can land on it’s feet are STRICTLY FORBIDDEN and we will call the police or use our newly purchased can of Mace if this ever happens.
6. Fish are animals, and even if they weren’t, they would still be considered pets and putting your hand in the aquarium like it was some sort of sink you can clean the chicken wing grease or hooker disease off your hands is TOTALLY FORBIDDEN and will result in an introduction to Mr. Mace.
7. You are not allowed to test out the dog beds by taking a nap in them yourself.
8. We don’t need more “pet store babes” working in our shop.
9. We do not sell alcohol or know where you can get any pot.
10. The creepy animal masks you wear does not make you “more sympathetic” to our family of pets—this is not Chat Roulette– and showing them your scars so that they “respect you” and think you’re “ a warrior” was so F-ing disgusting that Galina, one of the “pet store babes,” quit her job.
YOU ARE A CREEP OF THE CAPITAL ORDER AND YOU ARE NEVER, EVER WELCOME IN OUR STORE!!