The Taliban Twitter Account

The Taliban have always had an image problem. They just don’t come across well and seem to have the hardest of times communicating to the modern sensibilities of the west. In spite of the furious language that illuminates most of their messaging, there is a sincere frustration and deeply felt need within their leadership to establish meaningful contact with the international community. They don’t want to be seen strictly through the confining, culturally defining lens of a Western media that always portrays them as homicidal, retrograde maniacs. No, they want the opportunity to broadcast their victories and shape the image of the Taliban for global consumption, and to do so in their own voice. In spite of declaring the Internet unholy and banning its use for millions of Afghan citizens, the Taliban have opened up a Twitter account (@alemarahweb) in the hopes of meeting the world where it lives.

These are a collection of Taliban Tweets:

The Taliban cannot tolerate biased media.

Too long have we been mocked and misunderstood.#Unclesamisunclean

8 puppets killed, 3 vehicles destroyed in Langham battle: bit.ly/XnJr2m

Victory! A Mujhadeed has seized a motorbike from the unholy invaders!

Invader General Petraeus should be shot by relatives from his mistress’s family or stoned to death.

Mondays always make me feel blue, and this cold is not helping. Sinuses clogged.

@Puppetobama what sort of man would kiss another?! It is unholy!

I do not like the rain. May it rain on America for an eternity!

An invading infidel walks into a market and asks for nuts and the patriot vendor says, “ We have no nuts, puppet!!”

The Taliban has enduring patience and long-term Jihadist strategies against the malicious plots of the enemy!

Mortars hit infidel invader camps. The Blood of our enemies flows: bit.lu?MoYr6h

I fear that one of my wives has fallen out of love with me. We used to laugh together so much, but now, never.

The Taliban will not abandon the struggle for freedom and will not pardon you until the withdrawal of your last soldier. #Unclesamisunclean

RT: America you are a Big Mac! Fat and greasy!

Taliban fun fact: The Pathans are notorious for family feuds, often the result of disputes over zar, zan or zamin – gold, women or land.

@anglinajolie You are a whore.

A woman is like having a flower. You water it and keep it at home for yourself to look at and smell. It is not supposed to be taken out of the house to be smelled. #truth

Landmines eliminate 2 US-nato tanks in Khan-e-Sheen district: bit.ly/SFi7oA

2 puppets of special-forces killed in bomb attack.

RT The Lakers have contacted Phil Jackson. He’s reportedly interested in the job. #WeWantPhil bit.ly/SWgLK8

@Amir Please feel free to DM me—bored at work.

Taliban shout-out to Aarif who proudly declared that he had killed seven male members of a Mahsud family for having insulted his wife, and so far only his brother had been killed in the revenge!

I wish Taylor Swift were one of my wives. I would cover her in the finest raiments and play for her the rubab.