Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s Dream Journal

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an embattled fiscal conservative who really likes football. The media are always on his ass, tracking his every move and mocking the Bro Culture that he so proudly embodies. It’s immensely stressful and as such Ford has been seeing a therapist who has asked him to keep a Dream Journal which the Mayor is known to diligently record each morning as he drives in to work.

These are some excerpts from his journal:

It’s just like the Hunger Games. I’m in the woods with a bow and arrow and rock and it’s either kill or be killed. A bureaucrat shows up and asks me a bunch of questions about expenditures and I’m going to shoot her but my bow and arrow thing doesn’t work, so I start to hit her in the face with my big rock. When I wake up I feel completely awesome, like I had just recovered a fumble.

I’m in Chicago on my trade mission vacation and I’m standing in front of that bean cloud sculpture thing in the midst of a big media scrum. Tough questions, man. And then I see my reflection in the bean cloud thing. It’s like it’s me but it’s not me, and I can see that Bean Cloud Rob is trying to say something to me and that it’s important, like the winning play for my football team or the answer to one of the questions I’m getting asked, but something is preventing the message from getting across. It was creepy, like Bean Cloud Rob was a ghost, and so I got mad and started to push and shake the Bean Cloud, but nothing happened. Woke up fucking furious.

In my dream the NHL season is about to be lost.  Everybody is sad and angry. I drive up in my Escalade and get out and stride into the boardroom where the reps for the owners and players are meeting. “Guys, it’s like this: 50% for the owners, 50% for the players and 100% for the fans! You got it, damn it, or do I have to tell you again?!” And everybody is completely thrilled with my plan and the Boyz n the Bright White Sports Car by Trooper starts to blast and we party like it’s 1999! And then a chick peels off her top and it’s even more awesome.

This one is friggin’ weird, but I’m a peanut that’s trapped in its shell. I’m at a ballgame and I know I don’t have long. I can hear some guy reaching into a bag and grabbing a handful of nuts, breaking the shells open and then chomping down on ‘em. It’s like goddamn thunder, it’s like I can hear ‘em screming! I know I have to escape but I don’t know how. I’m banging my peanut fists against the shell and hollering, but nothing’s happening and then I wake up really frustrated and mad.