Last week I was forcibly thrown out of a bowling alley because I had the courage to stand up for what was right. I taught many people many valuable lessons that night, I think, and I am very proud of the way that I comported myself.
I live the way of The Warrior.
The very next day, while I was taking the train back to Toronto from Ottawa, a nearly duplicate situation presented itself.
I was sitting in first class on Via Rail, enjoying my fourth complimentary Screwdriver, when the Porter approached me and asked what I would like for my lunch.
There were three choices.
1) Pork Tenderloin
2) Crap
3) Shit
Naturally, I wanted the Pork Tenderloin, but was told in a very fancy French accent that they were out of the Pork Tenderloin. I was sitting on the first car on the train and I was the third person whose order had been taken.
Firmly, in the way of The Warrior, I asked, “ HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU BE OUT OF PORK TENDERLOIN?! I’M JUST THE THIRD PERSON YOU’VE TAKEN AN ORDER FROM! I’M IN FIRST CLASS HERE, FIRST CLASS! ISN’T THAT WORTH SOMETHING? YES, YES IT IS, IT’S WORTH SOME FUCKING PORK TENDERLOIN!”
“Blah, blah, blah, blah,” the porter responded.
“YOU’RE FAT AND I THINK YOU’RE GAY! YOUR WEDDING RING ISN’T FOOLING ANYBODY! I WANT MY PORK!!” I added.
“Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah, we thank you for your cooperation,” the fat, gay porter said.
“ I’M NOT FUCKING COOPERATING, I’M BEING SUBJECT TO A GREAT INJUSTICE, AND I AM GOING TO FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT, AS I AM A WARRIOR!”
I then struck my martial arts stance.
As The Warrior’s way is never easy, some disruptive college kids– that for some reason were in first class– began to throw peanuts at me ( It is very interesting that Via Rail had an abundance of peanuts to give to college kids to throw at me, but no Pork Tenderloin.) and make some insensitive remarks about my hairline and the sweater I was wearing.
To make a long story short, I was overwhelmed by the fat, gay porter and several passengers, and forced off the train at Gananoque. But The Warrior does not sulk, and I spent the day at the Casino, where I enjoyed a performance of Nearly Neil–a Neil Diamond impersonator—and played some Texas Hold ‘Em, where I had some bad luck. However, The Lord watches over Warriors, and I was able to take the bus home to Toronto shortly after I found several buckets of change near an elderly woman who had fallen asleep at a Slots machine.