An Early Morning Visit

This morning, when I was not yet awake, the doorbell went off. This sent Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, into a frenzy of shrieking—like she was being electrocuted or something. I, in my housecoat and with a Breathe-Rite strip affixed over the bridge of my nose, staggered dumbly to the front door.

It was not UPS handing me a big box of money, as I had hoped, but a young man and a young woman, shivering and smiling. God had sent them. I rolled my eyes and gave them the “Oh, come on!” look, and then the man began to speak quickly. He handed me a flier and invited me to come to a talk at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses on the weekend.

“I’m a fag,” I said bluntly.

“Many struggle with such feelings,” said the man.

“Oh, I don’t struggle, I embrace those feelings, I embrace them hard and frequently,” I responded.

“You should come to our event, we would welcome you,” the woman quietly said.

“But you don’t welcome homosexuality in your church, do you?’ I asked.

She looked at me with dewy, hopeful eyes, “Our ministry is a ministry of hope for anyone who is seeking to serve Jehovah. Jesus loves EVERYONE, including homosexuals, lesbians and transvestites. He is the Great Healer.”

The man stepped in, “However, Scripture is clear that God intended for sexuality to remain within the boundaries of one-man, one-woman marriage, but a homosexual or lesbian relationship isn’t any more condemned by God than a heterosexual relationship outside the bonds of marriage.”

“God sure is funny about sex. Why do you think he never took a wife? I’ve always wondered about that. I’ve had my suspicions, you know? It just seems that all of his rules, especially against the gays, seems a little over-compensatory.”

“If you come to our event, all will be explained,” he said.

“Will brunch be served? 10:00 is pretty early for me on a Saturday. Also, will there be quizzes. I like quizzes. I do brain training games everyday!”

The woman piped up again, “There won’t be any quizzes, but there will be coffee and donuts.”

“I’ve got to hand it to God, he really does know how to put on a classy event. But look, Jehovah knows all and never makes a mistake, so why would he make me this way, with the feelings, the strong, strong feelings that I have and act on a couple of times everyday?”

“Science is starting to reveal that when a baby is growing in the womb, certain chemicals are released that enable the baby to discern the moods of the mother and sense whether she wants the child. This sense of alienation confuses the child which is why they move to homosexuality later in life,” the woman said.

“So, it’s the mother’s fault, of course! Now it makes sense, and look, just so you know, everybody online thinks that the Jesus on your fliers looks exactly like Kenny Loggins. It’s become a bit of an Internet meme.”

And then I closed the door.