Because of the controversy over Melania Trump’s last speech, and the accusations that she plagiarized from one of Michelle Obama’s speeches, I have been hired on by the Trump team to serve as Melania’s speechwriter. This is my first one, in which the accusations cast at her are directly confronted:
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Hello America!!
I am Melania, the luckiest woman in the world, and I am so happy to be here before you!
Why, you might ask, am I the luckiest woman in the world?
Is it because I am beautiful?
Is it because of my gorgeous dress and luxurious jewelry?
Is it because I am like champagne?
Is it because I am so very rich and famous I never have to wait in line?
Is it because I speak five languages?
Is it because I am white?
(Wait for enthusiastic screaming to subside)
NO!
It is because I am married to the greatest man in the entire world, Donald Trump.
Donald is the perfect husband. He has bought me so many wonderful things! He is so smart and such a great negotiator, and he loves America so much! He wants America to be the best, like him. He wants America to be #1 again!
(Wait for applause)
Thank you for your applause, you are such a classy audience, so very classy!
(Wait for applause)
Some people, some very bad people, say that I copied my last speech from a black woman. This is monkeyshines! I would never do such a thing. I am innocent and I will sue!
(Wait for cheering and celebratory gunshots to cease)
Thank you America, thank you!
Donald Trump, the next President of the United States and author of the hit bestseller The Art of the Deal, is not just my husband, but also my lover.
Yes, and let me tell you, he is as good at making love as he is at making deals!
(Crowd goes wild)
My lover is also tough on terror!
He will not tolerate it!
He will fire it like a bad apprentice!
With Donald you will always feel secure because you know that if any terrorists, or some loser country, were to try any monkeyshines, he would destroy them.
(Pretend to be a sexy cowboy/stripper shooting a gun)
He would. It would be no joke.
(Wag finger)
Let me ask you beautiful Americans, who does Hillary Clinton reminds you of?
Ha, yes, she does remind me very much of an old Jew!
Who else does she remind you of?
Yes, a lesbian for sure! She has no fashion sense, no class. She dresses like a box.
A hag robot! Yes!
And of course, yes, a serial killer. It is in her eyes, the killing.
So many horrible things she reminds us of, so, so many horrible things!
In closing I want to say that Donald Trump is a beautiful, beautiful man. So rich and so successful and so sexy. Not only does he live the American dream, he is the American Dream, and he will restore the American dream for all of you beautiful patriots.
I love you, America, open carry for all, and remember to follow the next President of the United States @realDonaldTrump!
