As many of you know, I’ve been in negotiations to go into partnership with Ikea so that they might help market and distribute a new line of Sniper Towers that I have been developing. Unfortunately, Ikea has not been as responsive to the idea as I had anticipated and I was forced to take my prototypes to Craig’s List, where I hoped to sell a great number of my Sniper Towers, and thus convince Ikea of the viability of my business model.
As the public lacks imagination and vision, I was only able to sell one Sniper Tower, the Sniperflugen, to a man who told me that he wanted to use it as a tree house for his children.
I’m not going to lie to you, I was pretty disappointed by the apparent failure of my line of Sniper Towers, so much so that I started to see a therapist, but yesterday something wonderful happened that will greatly improve my dreams of dominating the global market for Sniper Towers.
It turns out that the guy who bought the Sniperflugen from me was actually a disgruntled loner who didn’t have children at all!
After getting caught in a two-hour traffic jam in downtown Toronto on Sunday morning due to road closures caused by the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon, 42 year-old Vassily Raminovich (the man who purchased the Sniperflugen) snapped, and using the versatile and inexpensive Sniper Tower he bought from ME, shot four of the slower Marathon runners, killing three.
Obviously, all the attendant publicity surrounding this sad and tragic event will be an absolute boon to business! (I deeply sympathize with the friends and family of the slow runners who lost a loved one in this tragic display of just what an effective aid the Snipeflugen can be in taking out targets.)
As such, I am reinitiating negations with Ikea, who at this point, I am sure will be very receptive to our partnership!
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Ms. Pernille Lopez
President, IKEA North America
Ikea Corporate Office
420 Alan Wood Road
Conshohocken, PA 19428
Dear Pernille:
I like your first name but am confused by the Lopez part.
Shouldn’t you be Swedish?
Your last name doesn’t sound Swedish to me. It sounds Mexican or something.
Initially I thought maybe you had a thing for Latin guys and went out and married one, but then I noticed that you are a Ms. That means you’re a single feminist who spends too much time on her career to have a relationship, right? Fair enough. You’re probably crazy rich and can pay for lots of lovers and feed your cats nothing but the finest Swedish meatballs, such as you sell at Ikea.
At any rate, you must forgive me for getting off track.
As you will have heard there was a mass shooting at a Marathon here in Toronto, and the murderer had the good sense and excellent taste to use the Snipeflugen, the Sniper Tower that I developed and hoped to market and distribute with Ikea.
It’s pretty obvious that all the publicity and free advertising surrounding the Sniperflugen has put me in a pretty powerful negotiating position, so I just wanted to write to tell you that price for the rights to both the Sniperflugen and Uggal Sniper Tower have gone way, way, up.
I will look forward to hearing from you soon, and want you to know that you should not waste your time (or mine) with any offer less than five million dollars. Home Depot and the Pottery Barn are both VERY interested.
Michael Murray
PS: If you’re lonely, and bet that you are, you should try on-line dating.