These are the text messages my wife Rachelle sent to me the other day:
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Rachelle: You’re still mad about losing at Ms. Monopoly, aren’t you?
Rachelle: A resignation is a loss.
Rachelle: Yes, it is.
Rachelle: I know.
Rachelle: It was clear you were thrown off your game when you weren’t allowed to use your special dice or your customized Hat marker.
Rachelle: You didn’t quit because it was unfair.
Rachelle: You quit because you knew you had no hope of winning.
Rachelle: Yes. Times change.
Rachelle: That was the POINT of the game.
Rachelle: It was designed as a twist on the original, inverting the societal hierarchy we labour under, giving women $240 every time they pass Go, while men only get $200.
Rachelle: I have no idea what Jordan Peterson would say about that.
Rachelle: Who is he, anyway?
Rachelle: Boy, that’s an awful lot of links to YouTube videos.
Rachelle: Okay, okay, okay.
Rachelle: I’ve heard enough.
Rachelle: Fine. Equal opportunity and equity are different things.
Rachelle: So that’s the reason you quit Ms. Monopoly just when you were about to lose?
Rachelle: Okay. Resigned.
Rachelle: Principles.
Rachelle: Oh yes, we certainly do need more community leaders like you, Pickle!
Rachelle: Quitting a board game with friends and running off to “catalogue your comics” was indeed a brave and principled stance!
Rachelle: You bring honour into our home with your actions!
Rachelle: No, that’s not right.
Rachelle: You do not support our family by scavenging the garbage cans of Toronto for comics and then never bothering to resell the soggy, disgusting ones you retrieve.
Rachelle: You know it makes the neighbours very uncomfortable to see you doing that, don’t you?
Rachelle: Pickle, they have no idea what you’re looking for.
Rachelle: They’ve started to leave their empty wine bottles in front of our apartment.
Rachelle: I can’t believe you didn’t notice.
Rachelle: On Monday there must have 30 of them!
Rachelle: No.
Rachelle: That bottle increase had nothing to do with the film festival, and everything to do with the neighbours trying to charitably address your disturbing, garbage-picking ways.
Rachelle: Yes, it is nice of them.
Rachelle: Most people are nice, Pickle, it’s true.
Rachelle: I honestly don’t know if Cate Blanchett is nice.
Rachelle: I can’t imagine you having dinner with her.
Rachelle: You’d lose all composure, drop your cutlery, knock over glasses. That sort of thing.
Rachelle: My guess is Jennifer Lawrence is nicer.
Rachelle: I suppose you’re going on another celebrity watch today?
Rachelle: Okay. Just don’t be creepy, and remember to pick-up some coconut water! Must get back to work! xo