Project Brazen surveillance of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

As many of you know, Toronto mayor Rob Ford– a man of the people– has been the subject of exhaustive surveillance from city police as part of their Project Brazen investigation. In an effort to find evidence of prosecutable criminal behaviour, the police have really stepped up their game employing helicopters, planes and psychics in an effort to bring down the best mayor the city has ever had.*1

What follows is a partial transcript of what some of their surveillance revealed:

2:43 am: Ford drives his Escalade, distinctive Ford You license plate and brass balls hanging from the vehicle’s undercarriage visible, into 7-11 parking lot. Tom Cochrane “Life is a Highway” plays loudly through the speakers.

2:45 am: Ford urinates against a nearby dumpster and enters store.

2:46 am: Ford buys large bag of Cheesies, opens them and begins eating them.

2:47 am: Ford says that each Cheesie is like “ a little orange blow-job,” and then offers some to the clerk.

2:48 am: Ford associate Sandro Lisi drives into the parking lot.

2:49 am: Ford asks clerk about his accent, wants to know if it was real or just something he made up.

2:50 am: Cheesie dust all over the mayor, he tells clerk that if city hall wasn’t so stuck-up, he’d speak with an accent all the time.  Loves the Jamaican accent he says in Jamaican accent.

2:51 am: Ford gives clerk his business card, tells him to call if he has a pothole problem.

2:52 am: Sandro Lisi honks car horn.

2:53 am: Police receive tip from psychic that Ford might be in New Jersey. Helicopter dispatched. Possible we are currently following a double. Ford not to be underestimated.

2:54 am: Ford hurries out of 7-11, avoiding all eye contact with Lisi, unrolls Escalade driver’s side window and then goes and hides behind the dumpster.

2:55 am: Lisi, one arm in a sling, enters into 7-11 and buys a pepperette, bottle of Gatorade and a Scratch N’ Win ticket.

2:57 am: Lisi scratches ticket and wins. Very happy. Punches good arm up into air. Cashier gives him $10.  Lisi buys five more tickets, scratching each one at counter. No wins. Lisi, angry, but clearly more disappointed in himself.

2:58 am Lisi leaves 7-11 and drops small parcel into front seat of Ford’s car.

3:00 am: Lisa makes cell phone call to Rob Ford. Undercover detective working as 7-11 clerk hears ringing behind dumpster. Lisi drives away

3:01 am: Rob Ford pops up from behind the dumpster and runs to car, looks in window at parcel Lisi had placed on the front seat. Does window of vehicle back up and returns to 7-11, buying rolling paper, matches and a copy of Maxim Magazine.

3:05 am: Ford exits 7-11.

3:06 am: Ford returns to 7-11, buys chocolate milk, drinks it, sticks several “Ford for Mayor” fridge magnets on a variety of products and surfaces.

3:10 am: Ford exits 7-11. Spots raccoon near dumpster, throws empty chocolate milk carton at it, shouting “Go deep, raccoon, go deep!”

3:11am: Two more raccoons emerge from shrubbery near dumpster, they all stare back at Ford with determined, glowing eyes.

3:12 am: Ford hurries into car and quickly departs parking lot.

*1 “I don’t want to be conceited and I don’t want to toot my own horn. But I believe when it comes to my fiscal policy, I am by far the best mayor the city has ever had.” Rob Ford, Nov 3, 2013