Many people don’t know this about me but I am a gifted reader of Tarot Cards. I have to admit that my powers of prophecy make me a little nervous and so I rarely use them, but I thought that today I would make an exception and do a special reading on account of the Royal Wedding. And so, to honour Kate and William, I am drawing one card from the Tarot Deck, and from that, I will provide them with a reading for their future.
The Card: The Two of Swords
In this card, a seated woman– blindfolded and absent of judgment– holds two swords in a state of balance—for the moment. Kate and William, your lives are now about to radically change. You have been summoned into the world, and must now remove the protective blindfolds that have sheltered you, and using the swords and great privilege that have been bestowed upon you, become warriors.
You have been called froth to your destiny.
Take off your blindfolds!
Do it!!
Prince William, you are to attack India, a massive country that nobody really understands and a nation that has long been mocking the classic British accent. You need to get them in line, William, replacing Bollywood-styled entertainment with something more along the lines of Benny Hill. Benny Hill is easy to understand. But William, know that India is just a start, for you have much work to do. You will be known as the Bald Warrior King.
Kate, you must have an affair with Donald Trump so as to derail his run for president. For several years you will have to serve as one of his trusted advisors on Celebrity Apprentice, but soon enough you will be given your own lifestyle talk show with Gwyneth Paltrow. It will seem like a good idea at the time, but will actually prove to be career suicide.
So William, you first task is to conquer India and Kate, you must have sex with Donald Trump.
Also, you will be the first Royal Couple to appear on The Amazing Race. You will not do well, facing particular difficulties in India, which at this point in the future will be known as Williamindia.
The future is written in the card.
Lucky number is 3.