In an effort to get in better shape, my wife Rachelle recently hired a “Wellness Coach.” These are the text messages that I received from her after her first session with her new trainer:
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R: My Wellness Coach is named Jamie and I think she’s still in high school.
R: It feels like I have to meet her for my session during her spare.
R: Hot?
R: Really? Did you really just ask me that?
R: Oh, it was autocorrect. I see.
R: You wanted to know if she was wearing a hat?
R: If what you say is true, then what you meant to write was, “Is she hat?”
R: It doesn’t make any sense.
R: It just doesn’t seem a likely thing for you to have written.
R: Of course, of course, I’m over-sensitive and always misunderstanding you.
R: Look, you can’t bring Fassbender into this, that’s not fair.
R: Whatever.
R: Look, let’s just get past this, okay?
R: Yes, I love you, too.
R: It’s hard to believe, but I swear this girl weighs about 80 pounds.
R: She practically qualifies as carry-on luggage.
R: She reminds me of Marcel the Shell.
R: I wonder if her parent’s know she’s doing this?
R: She’d make a lot more money than baby-sitting, that’s for sure.
R: Well, I’m on a Paleo diet now.
R: And I have a workout schedule.
R: I know.
R: You were a natural athlete with a very fast metabolism.
R: Not so much anymore.
R: It’s true, my love.
R: You have these, I don’t know, kind of lump handles around your waist now.
R: Mostly on the left side, which is weird.
R: Yeah, maybe you should mention it to the doctor.
R: I don’t think so, dear.
R: I just don’t think you have what it takes to be a doctor.
R: Well, for one thing you could never keep your coat white.
R: It would be covered in stains, like a tornado hit your lunch and sprayed it all over you.
R: It is true.
R: And then there’s the academics.
R: You’re good at other things, yes.
R: I don’t know how much Jesus weighed.
R: My guess would be 185, that sounds like a godly weight to me.
R: I bet Jesus would make for an fantastic Wellness Coach.
R: He’d be an awesome motivator.
R: You’ve always wanted to be on Survivor Island with Jesus, you say?
R: Just you and him in the final.
R: And then you would demand he sacrifice himself for the good of the island?
R: I’m not sure I understand your strategy.
R: All right then, it is the will of the Lord. Fine.
R: You’re right, that is a good argument ender.
R: Remember to take the dog out and get something for dinner, okay?
R: Right, I mean hunt. You and the hound go out and hunt for dinner, please.
R: Like Paleoiths.
R: I’ll be home around 7:00.
R: xoxo