The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

Last night Rachelle had an ice hockey game at 9:00 pm. I expected she’d be back by 10:30 or 11:00, but when I hadn’t heard from her by midnight I decided to send her a text to find out what was up. What follows are her responses to my various messages:

Yes, I’m alive.

????

No, nobody is eating my face.

You don’t believe me?

You think the killer has my iPhone?

Of course.

If I was a face-eating killer I think I’d stop to text with the victim’s husband.

It’s only polite.

You want me to prove I’m myself?

Ok.

How would you like me to proceed?

My favourite animal?

OK.

Satan.

Yes, he is.

How do you know Satan isn’t an animal?

They call him the Beast and in pictures he has horns.

Is 2.

Is 2.

Another animal?

I like baby sloths.

Your remind me of a baby sloth.

Ok.

I’m glad you believe it’s me.

Why r u so spooked?

Yes, the news is scary right now.

Lots of weird murders.

That Magnotta is a bad man.

It is like the world is ending!

Really?

You think our downstairs neighbours are face-eaters?

What do you think a face tastes like?

If it tasted like chocolate, I might eat one.

No!

No!

I am not going to eat your face!

Or tear out your still beating heart.

I don’t have the zombie disease.

Alright, you devise your escape plans.

I hope it involves a speedy boat!

And maybe a giant bird.

I’m not making fun of u.

But be realistic.

U don’t have a driver’s license.

How r u going to escape the zombie apocalypse?

Honestly, u’d be the first they ate.

I know you used to be good at sports.

But that was a long time ago, honey.

Zombies won’t know about your “reputation.”

They just want to eat your face.

You just bought a boat on-line?

An inflatable raft?

Yes, I’m sure it was a good price.

And that you will float to safety when the apocalypse comes.

Can zombies swim?

Well, maybe you should look into that.

Yep.

Yes, I bet they would post the video of your face being eaten on-line.

No, not as an example.

Just so they could admire their work.

They’d savor you, I bet.

Well, they’d probably come up from the basement where they’ve been living.

Through the open window where you have the AC.

Is the AC on now?

It’s not even hot.

Jesus.

You are a money waster!

You’re wasting money and making yourself vulnerable to zombie attack!

Yes, they’ll come through the open window!

And you won’t even hear them because of the AC racket!

And then your face will be gone!

Yeah.

The dog probably licks your face just to clean it for the zombie attack.

Gotta go now!

C u soon.

Just finishing a beer with the girls.

Please cancel your boat order.

xox