Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s Application To Be On A Reality TV Show

A Netherlands-based group called Mars One is now accepting applications from intrepid earthlings who want to go forth and colonize Mars. It’s an expensive and complicated venture, and as such, people will be provided with passage only to Mars and not back. Further, in an effort to help finance the ambitious mission, Mars One is planning on creating a reality TV show out of the whole thing. It’s kind of like Lord of the Flies meets Big Brother, only in outer space.

As it turns out, Rob Ford, Toronto’s embattled, fiscally conservative, crack-smoking mayor is amongst those who have applied for this one-way ticket to the future.

This is his application.

Tell us a little about yourself:

My name is Rob Ford and I’m still mayor of Toronto, one of North America’s largest cities and greatest sport’s towns!! You might have heard of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the CN Tower or maybe some lies that the media made up about me. We’re pretty big-city here.

Anyway, I’m an alpha male, big and powerful, like a lumberjack or a white football player who ferociously protects his QB; loyal, not stubborn. I’m a straight-shooting son of gun who tells it like it is, and I like to have a good time. Let me tell you, you’ll always know when the Big Dog is in the house because there’ll never be a dull or non-confrontational moment! I will bring the energy and flat-out RAWK the Martian Mansion! I am a walking exclamation point!!! Think Snooki times six!

I’m also straight. The idea of guys kissing grosses me out. They can do what they want underground or wherever, but when it’s in front of me, I need them to show some respect.

I’m really into the ladies, am likely still able to father children and would be totally open to any romantic entanglements that might develop on Mars. I think everybody should have a shot at love, even if it’s on a different planet far away from your wife that you’ve been married to for a like a billion years. Personally, I like blondes the best, blondes like Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager and Jessica Simpson. Hell, I don’t care that Jessica Simpson went out and put on some weight from drinking and having a baby! She was under a lot of stress, which I completely and totally understand, so if Jessie put on a few, big whoop, it just means there’s more for me!

Favourite movie:  A Clockwork Orange

Favourite city: Chicago

Favourite band: Triumph

Tell us why you’d like to go to Mars:

My favourite colour is red. LOL!! I’m just kidding. (I have a really good sense of humour and could really boost the spirits of the other pioneers, and keep our massive viewing audience laughing.)

But seriously, Commander Chris Hadfield, the Canadian who was up in the International Space Station Tweeting back to earth, has inspired me to want to become an astronaut. I could totally do what he did.

Here are some of my sample Tweets:

“From space, Chicago is an intricate tapestry of partying lights.”

“Who let the dogs out? Rob! Rob! Rob!”

“The Earth, small and blue and beautiful in eternal, floating silence.”

“Quietly, like a night bird, floating, soaring, wingless, I can blot you out with my thumb.”

Anyway, Hadfield is like a saint around here and can’t do anything wrong. The media, who tell lies about me and hunt me like I was a big, beautiful wild animal, think that everything he does is right and everything that I do sucks and instantly turns to crap. They’re trying to tackle me, the media, and that’s not fair. Earth people are negative all the time, and just don’t get Rob Ford. I think I’d like to get off this little blue bean and take on the challenge of colonizing a new, media-free planet.

I’m not scared to kill things with my hands if that’s what it takes to live on Mars.

If I can quote, “I’m not the man they think I am at home

Oh, no, no, no, I’m a rocket man.”

Also, I believe very strongly in free enterprise and would friggin’ love to start a brand-new economy that has no bureaucrats and very little municipal governance. That would be a dream, that and coaching football again. I would LOVE to be the greatest football coach in Martian history, and one day, I would hope to become mayor of Mars, too, or rather, my district of Mars.

I was built for space.

Rob Ford

PS: The rumors that I was rejected for “Celebrity Apprentice” are ridiculous.