For those of you who have forgotten or may never have known, 48 year-old Jose Canseco was a major league baseball player. He had quite the career, actually. In 1988 he was MVP of the American League, gaining all sorts of notoriety as one of the steroid-fuelled Bash Brothers. He later wrote a tell-all biography called Juiced, dated Madonna, launched a one-fight MMA career,
has done his time on reality TV, served as a columnist for Vice Magazine, has been to jail, shares all his late night “inspirations” on Twitter and completely loves cars. In short, he is a 12 year-old boys idea of what the American dream could be, and for a moment that dream was to become mayor of Toronto.
Last week as Canseco was Tweeting his New Year’s resolutions, which included, “Fight Shaq in MMA cage match,” and “ help people getting screwed wherever I can,” he also enthused about running for mayor of Toronto—the city where he hit 46 home runs for the Blue Jays back in 1998. This was pretty much the best thing that I had ever come across on Twitter, and I immediately Tweeted back to Canseco in an effort to help.
@josecanseco: Don’t worry about any Citizenship issues in Toronto mayoral bid, I will gay marry you!
@josecanseco: But first you should try to become one of the Beauties on The Price is Right—they are now accepting men!
@josecanseco: It would make our union credible and be good PR!
@josecanseco: Secure the downtown Grinder vote.
@michaelmurrayca: Jose swings for the fences, not with other dudes!
@michaelmurrayca: I am having my people look into citizenship issues.
@josecanseco: But weren’t you in prison?
@michaelmurrayca: I called it Jose’s Castle, and I was in charge.
@josecanseco: Got it, I hear you!
@josecanseco: I have some campaign ideas for you, I am an idea factory!
@josecanseco: The Ikea Monkey will be your campaign signature, always standing on your flexed bicep– like a fetish.
@josecanseco: Open up Jarvis Bike Lane and make the Ikea Monkey municipal symbol.
@josecanseco: Ikea Monkey everywhere!
@michaelmurrayca: Ford too much trouble to be effective. Gotta fix budget, traffic, get new $ not from taxes, get more businesses, and help schools.
@josecanseco: The only thing that can help schools is a casino!
@josecanseco: A monkey themed casino!
@michaelmurrayca: I’m listening. Contact my assistant.
@josecanseco: And forget about Shaq, you must challenge mayor Rob Ford to an MMA fight. All proceeds to go to the monkey casino for the children!
@josecanseco: Ford is slow and easily confused.
@michaelmurrayca: I will throat punch him.
@josecanseco: He will die if you do that!!!
@josecanseco: Hey, did you ever have sex with Madonna? I bet she was pretty aggressive.
@michaelmurray: Just heard from my assistant and I can’t run for Toronto Mayor.
@michaelmurrayca: Will now just work harder on my anti-aging drink Ponce de Canseco.
@josecanseco: Nothing gonna keep you down! You are my hero. Can I have an autographed photo?
@josecanseco: You remind me a bit of Fred Flintstone, but in a good way!
