On the weekend, a young boy asked me this question, “ Michael, if you weren’t a person, what do you think you’d be?”
For a long time that answer was pretty obviously a shark, but as I’ve matured and become a more complex individual, I think I’ve become more like a Dragonfly. I told the boy this, giving him 5 reasons why this was true:
1.Dragonflies are awesome.
2.Dragonflies destroy mosquitoes and other irritating pests.
3.Dragonflies have been recorded reaching speeds of almost 60 mph.
4.Dragonflies are known as “The Pirates of the Air.”
5.Dragonflies are very good looking insects.
The boy thought that this was just hilarious. Doubling over in exaggerated laughter he said, “No, you’d be a fart worm!” His little brother, who is nothing but a follower, pitched in, “Or an ant with a wart face!!”
I argued with them for 20 minutes, eventually taking some satisfaction in making them cry, but I have to admit, their responses hurt me, and so, seeking a little bit of validation and reassurance, I emailed some of the primary people in my life and asked them the same question.
Rachelle Maynard ( my wife) : “You would be a pickle, or Stuart Little, that tiny, white mouse who wore a cute sweater in that movie.”
Karen Murray ( my sister) : “You’d be a pretentious, little asshole.”
Gregor Lampard ( my best friend) : “I think you would be an allergen of some sort, harmless but irritating, perhaps Ragweed.”
Anna Kournikova ( tennis player and model): No response.
Puff Mamma ( owner of the neighbourhood head shop) : “Dude, you are such a fucking crow it isn’t even funny! Oh man, it’s not even close, crow,crow, crow!”
Father Anderson ( my priest) : “Michael, it’s a curious question that you ask. Have the dreams returned? We think it’s important that you regularly attend church services as it’s through the community of God and the fellowship his worshippers provide, that you will find the safety and salvation you so desperately crave.
For now, presuming that the dragonfly dreams have returned, I would ask you to please stop drinking so much and to say St. Michael’s prayer when you get up and when you go to bed. Actually, say the prayer twice before you go to bed. If the dreams have not returned and this is part of another rehabilitation program, I would say you would be a lost sheep seeking a shepherd.”
Zdeno Chara ( hockey player and captain of the Boston Bruins) : No response.