Doug Ford Acceptance Speech
Doug Ford is the brother of Rob Ford, the deceased, former mayor of Toronto,
and he just won the race to become the Ontario leader of the Progressive Conservative party after a controversial election. This is his acceptance speech:
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Thank you, thank you!
Thanks.
Hey, let’s give it up for The Dream Police, the best goddamn Cheap Trick tribute band in the entire GTA!!
Okay, okay, I know you’re all excited, but let’s bring it down a bit.
Now.
We can bring it down NOW.
I SAID BE QUIET DAMMIT
I MEAN IT
YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I MEAN IT
Ok, that’s better.
Well my friends, thank you for coming this evening.
Tonight we took the first step in defeating our opposition. The people of Ontario want the crappy Ontario Liberals cleansed from government, and I am more than happy to be the man to deliver that enema!
JESUS H CHRIST YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME
ARE YOU CHEWING GUM
YES, YOU IN THE FRONT ROW
YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I’M TALKING TO YOU
DO YOU SEE ANYBODY ELSE CHEWING GUM
SWEET CAROLINE DONT MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE BECAUSE I WILL AND I WILL TEAR THAT GUM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE IT WAS A TONGUE FROM AN ALBANIAN PIG…
Okay.
As I was saying, I want to thank my beautiful wife Karla, my girls, my whole family, and my brother, Rob upstairs. He was incredible. He sacrificed so much for the little man.
Rob, my brother, you always stood by me, you were my rock. I wouldn’t be standing here without your support. And to my incredible team, you were absolutely amazing, your dedication to our cause made this possible. The hard-working people of Ontario, I am truly humbled, very humbled, by your support. You are the ones who kept me going, you are the reason I am here.
We have a lot of work to do before the next campaign. We have a lot to do in a very short amount of time. But I promise you this. I will get our party back on track. We will put a platform forward that speaks to every Ontarian. Together we will return our province to where it belongs. We will make Ontario the leader of jobs and growth in Canada. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: Ontario will be open for business.
Nine to five.
Every single day of the week except Sunday.
Just like our family business Deco Labels and Tags.
We were always ready to serve the public. Always.
Does that sound like white privilege to you?
I didn’t think so.
YOU BETTER BE FUCKING KIDDING ME
AGAIN WITH THE GUM
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU
DO YOU HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION WHERE YOU HAVE TO CHEW GUM LIKE A MORON WHENEVER A MAN OF THE PEOPLE IS MAKING A SPEECH
HAVE YOU BEEN ON OPRAH TO TALK ABOUT YOUR CONDITION YET
HOW ITS IMPACTED YOUR LIFE
BUDDY I AM ABOUT TO IMPACT YOUR LIFE LIKE A GODDAMN METEOR
Yeah, that’s better, you just put that gum away.
Snowflake.
Friends, it’s been an awfully long night and I will have more to say about how we’re going to punch the Liberals in the gut in coming days, but for now we have to clear the hall for an Ayahuasca For Seniors Ceremony that’s supposed to be coming in and starting up at 5:00, so if everybody could just make their way, in an orderly fashion, to the exits…
Let’s not keep our seniors waiting.
We’re not doing some social science study here, we’re getting things done.
MOTHER AYAHUASCA WAITS FOR NO MAN OR WOMAN!!!
EVERYBODY OUT, GODDAMIT!!!
This is going to be a fun ride!