FBI Hack

My friend Rob Hyndman has begun acting weird. He rarely contacts me on Facebook, except perhaps to send a photograph of some meat he’s about to eat,

but recently he’s been opening up a lot of Chatbox windows, always asking strange questions and speaking in an absolutely bizarre voice. At first I though it was a joke, something he liked to do when high, but today I think I put the pieces together.

I recently wrote about the Guardians of Peace, the organization responsible for the massive hack on Sony,

and one of the results of this is that they started to follow me on Twitter. I have to say, this has been unnerving, but perhaps not as unnerving as learning that US Law enforcement has been actively gathering intelligence on the Guardians of Peace through undercover operations on Facebook. I now suspect that the FBI has hacked into Rob’s Facebook account and is now using it to try to gather information about my relationship with, and knowledge of the Guardians of Peace.

What follows are some of the Facebook Chatbox sessions “Rob” and I have had over the last couple of weeks:

Rob: Hey, big guy! How are you favorite sport’s teams today?

Me: The fucking Canadiens were beaten by the Senators! Lost $150!! Please don’t tell Rachelle! She’d kill me if she knew I was still gambling!

Rob: A secret gambling vice, that’s a real exploitable vulnerability, Michael! I bet your enemies could ruin you with that information! Anyway, sure would be nice if the Guardians of Peace hacked into the Canadiens and taught them a lesson or two about football! Can you make that happen, Michael?

Me: Rob, it’s pretty early for bourbon, isn’t it?

Rob: I like our friendship, Michael, it is good that we share! We must go to a strip club soon! You have a Korean fetish, right?

Rob: Who is your favourite sexy actress? I like the way that Miley Cyrus twerks!

Me: Her dancing is cultural appropriation, Rob!

Rob: America is a land of freedom that grants equal opportunity for all, do you not agree with this premise?

Me: No, not really.

Rob: Mike, can I call you Mike? You know what treason is, don’t you? Is treason or revolution something you would support?

Me: I would like to commit various treasons with Jessica Simpson.

Rob: If you had to pick a country to invade, what country would it be?

Me: I don’t know, Russia? Somebody’s gotta make Putin put on a shirt.

Rob: So are you saying that Russia is the next to suffer a major cyber attack???

Rob: The Eagles are a great band. What do you think they would make of the Guardians of Peace and their hack on an innocent corporation (Sony) working within the free market? Do you think if the Eagles knew anything about the terrorist organization The Guardians of Peace, that they would turn that information over to the authorities? I do. I think that the Eagles, your favourite band, would do the right thing.

Me: The Eagles aren’t my favourite band. The Doobie Brothers are.

Rob: The Doobie Brothers always do the right thing. They hate North Korea, love freedom and always give the government useful information in the war against terror!