Rob Ford, Toronto’s embattled Mayor, is a fiscal conservative with small eyes and big hands. The red-faced, misunderstood rascal is almost always in trouble with the media, most recently for taking a couple of hours off of some council meetings to coach the Donnie Bosco Eagles, a high school football team here in Toronto. Because Rob has a big-heart, when the game ended early on account of the threat of a brawl, the Mayor was able to commandeer two city buses off their normal routes to come and pick up his boys so that they wouldn’t have to wait nearly an hour for the arrival of their scheduled bus.
He was just thinking of the kids.
At any rate, as many of you know, Rob Ford and I went to Carleton University at the same time and were last call drinking buddies. Although we’ve never had a sober conversation, we developed a strange but resilient friendship, one that sees us communicate to this day. Whenever one of us is drinking alone, we often go on-line to chat with one another, a sort of nostalgic slur back to the good old days.
Around 2:30 Monday morning, I got this message from Rob:
Rob: Hey fag!
Me: Slobber!
Rob: Just. Fucking. Love. Sunday.
Me: It’s a holy day.
Rob: This grizzly worships at the church of FOOTBALL!!! PARTYYYY!!!
Me: What’s your fav football movie? I think I like Against All Odds–Rachel Ward was hot!
Rob: She woulda made an awesome stripper. But I think it’s All The Right Moves that does it for me. Cruise has always been my man, and you get to see the mother from Back to the Future naked. Boner city!! Movie hit me right where it counts.
Me: Your bio should be called Rob Ford: All The Right Moves. And you should be in football gear on the cover with a couple of cheerleaders flanking you!
Rob: I should fucken’ hire you, Murray.
Me: Wanna do a shot?
Rob: Just did one!
Me: Me too!
Rob: High-five!!
Me: You following the US election?
Rob: I live in Romney City, little buddy, Romney City.
Me: You like the small government, eh?
Rob: Yeah, it’s not that I’m a racist. Blacks are fucking awesome at football and lots of the chicks are super hot, like that chick in Sin City, Roxanna Dawson. I would vote for her ass in a second!!!!!
Me: You’ve always had a soft spot for the ladies.
Rob: You mean hard spot! 🙂 LOLOLOLLOO!!
Rob: You remember that waitress with the Montreal Canadiens tattoo on her neck?
Me: You mean stripper.
Rob: Yeah, she was black. I used to tip her real good.
Me: You’ve always been a class act slobber, just like you were with that football team you coach.
Rob: Couldn’t let ‘em wait after the game they put in, wouldn’t been right. The Mayor’s office gotta mean something, right?
Me: Yeah, you know, my wife wishes there were more chipmunks in Toronto, can you do anything about that?
Rob: Talk to a few people. Maybe deport some raccoons, bring in chipmunks. Make a chipmunk theme park, attract tourists– maybe make some chipmunk snack. Good idea, fagman, gonna get some people on it! Gonna grab another brew, c u soon!
