These are the text messages I received from my wife Rachelle the other day:
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Rachelle: WE WON 3-2, AND I SCORED ALL THREE GOALS AT HOCKEY TONIGHT!!
Rachelle: Thank you!
Rachelle: Yes!
Rachelle: It sparked so much joy!
Rachelle: Yes, it sparked way more joy than throwing out all our old spices and novelty coffee mugs!
Rachelle: It even sparked more joy than getting rid of your shirt with all the basketball players on it!
Rachelle: Pickle, that shirt was racist.
Rachelle: It had to go.
Rachelle: I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually illegal to wear that shirt outside!
Rachelle: Whatever the fashion equivalent is to hate speech. That’s what that shirt was.
Rachelle: It’s the sort of shirt Doug Ford would wear at the cottage.
Rachelle: Yes it is.
Rachelle: I mean was.
Rachelle: Really?
Rachelle: I was sure that Marie Kondo said that the joy was in the throwing out!
Rachelle: So you think the idea is that if you hold it and it doesn’t spark joy, then you throw it out?
Rachelle: This sounds like the sort of thing you’d be wrong about, Pickle.
Rachelle: Throwing out your racist shirt sparked WAY more joy in me than picking up that pilly, grey turtleneck you always throw on the floor.
Rachelle: Yes, Marie Kondo probably would look good in that turtleneck.
Rachelle: But you should also keep in mind how good Tom Hardy or that guy who played The Bodyguard would look in that turtleneck.
Rachelle: Yeah, you’re probably right– you would finish far in the distance in this “who wore the ratty, old grey turtleneck better” competition.
Rachelle: Look, I’ve got to get going. I’m swinging by Shoppers on the way home from my game, is there anything you want?
Rachelle: Okay, popcorn, coconut water and razors.
Rachelle: Why not Gillette razors?
Rachelle: I don’t understand.
Rachelle: Are you for men being assholes or against men being assholes?
Rachelle: I see.
Rachelle: So your position is that you will not be manipulated by a consumerist society into believing the type of razor you use is somehow symbolic of the sort of man you are, is that correct?
Rachelle: But regardless, you’re still getting your wife to fulfill your boycott and actualize your beliefs by doing your purchasing?
Rachelle: So what sort of man does that make you?
Rachelle: This isn’t a test.
Rachelle: I have never in my life met somebody with more confused political beliefs than you, my love.
Rachelle: Oh, I think autocorrect must have changed it from nuanced to confused! Funny, that!
Comments
One response to “Text Messages”
I feel your pain, brother.
I doubt you’ll get any women commenting on this post, however.
The vicariously unfettered sadistic joy they must feel, at the tossing of some poor soul’s cherished and sentimental object of love and affection, would surely be considered a CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY in some circles.
This wouldn’t be worth risking exposure publicly, even anonymously.
Evil doesn’t necessarily imply stupid, except in orange.