On Thursday a friend very generously provided me with an opportunity to meet the Prince of Denmark. I was entirely keen to do this, very much hoping I would make an excellent impression and that the Prince and I would become good friends, the sort of friends who frequently went to big parties in Europe together. However, I slept in and missed my chance, thus bringing shame and dishonour onto my house and character. This is the letter of apology that I wrote to Frederik, Crown Prince of Denmark:
Your Highness:
You ever have one of those days?
I was very nervous about meeting you, because I’ve never met anybody who was a direct descendent of God. That must be so cool. I come from a long line of sheep thieves who have always fled debt, not Gods. At any rate, I really wanted you (A GOD!!!) to like me, and in spite of taking an Ativan and drinking two glasses of wine before going to bed, I had trouble sleeping. When this happens I often listen to a calming CD of rainstorms, 
which is what I did, and to make a long story short I ended up sleeping through my alarm and missing my opportunity to meet you. I had my blue suit laid-out on my bed and everything.
I had studied you in a completely non-invasive and totally not creepy way, and was going to make some pretty dazzling conversation, I think. I honestly do believe that we would have become best friends, likely participating in the same fantasy sport’s pools, attending Illuminati meetings together, texting one another about Game of Thrones and partying on boats with supermodels.
The One percent rules!
Do people make a lot of Hamlet jokes to you?
I bet that they do.
People are stupid.
Ninety-nine percent of people, in fact.
The rich are not stupid–especially not the rich who are descended from Gods.
I see from Wikipedia that you married a commoner, run marathons, are an expert sailor, have been on expeditions to Mongolia and Greenland, have extensive military training and care about the environment. It’s pretty amazing how much we have in common, as I also care about the environment. I really can’t stand that every summer is getting more and more humid, and I have to say, if it weren’t for my AC, well, it would be pretty tough slogging.
Look, Your Highness, I really hope you can find it in your gracious heart to forgive me for sleeping in this morning and that we can still become the friends that God wants us to become. By means of apology, I would like to invite you and your commoner wife over for Game’s Night on Thursday. We play a Star Trek version of the Settler’s of Catan and it’s an awful lot of fun– some people even dress in character for it!
Looking forward to seeing you soon,
Michael Murray