Twitter Conversation with Prosperity Evangelist Joel Osteen

One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to follow evangelist Joel Osteen on Twitter and hopefully absorb as much of his wisdom and inspiration as possible. Joel, who preaches the prosperity gospel, knows that God wants us to make money, and as such, I felt that I very much needed Osteen’s encouragement and advice. These are some of his Tweets in the New Year, and some of my responses to them:

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 1 Jan

Don’t go into the New Year holding a grudge from last year. Leave the hurts and disappointments behind.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurray 1 Jan

But I am still very angry and disappointed! Why did God forget to make me money???

 

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 1 Jan

Get ready; things are shifting in your favor. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Believe this is your year for acceleration.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 1 Jan

I don’t understand. Do you mean my anger and disappointment are going to accelerate or that God is some kind of passive-aggressive reverse psychologist?

 

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 2 Jan

This is a new day. The tide of the battle has turned. Declare freedom from anything that is holding you back.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 2 Jan

I declare freedom from our Visa bill. Also, amnesty from poker debt. Supernatural debt relief is completely fucking awesome!!!

 

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 3 Jan

Make room for something new. Go out today expecting blessings, divine connections & unprecedented favor.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 3 Jan

I am stoked. Will wear my favourite, God-approved argyle sweater!! Look out, ladies!

 

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 4 Jan

Whatever wrong has been done in your life, get past it. God knows what He’s doing. You are not at a disadvantage.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 4 Jan

I only have one lung. God made humans with two lungs. I have one. How is that not a disadvantage??!! Do you or God even have an idea what getting through a humid day with one lung is like???

 

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 5 Jan

Don’t settle in the land of barely enough. Have an abundant mentality. Make room for God to show you His goodness in a new way.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 5 Jan

Still angry about your last post, but it’s true, I’ve been living in the land of barely enough WAY too long. Also, God would want me to let your last post go, right?

 

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 6 Jan

You can’t think thoughts of lack and expect to have abundance. We serve a God of more than enough.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 6 Jan

And Satan is like the tax department? You’re starting to confuse me, or a demon has seized me with the bafflement. Maybe both.

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 7 Jan

Good news: The right people are already in your future. It’s just a matter of time before they show up.

 

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 7 Jan

And they’re bringing the money, right? God and I need to be straight on this.