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Canada Day
I was pretty much unaware of Canada Day this year. I grew up in Ottawa and it was always a…
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Backyard Awakening
A humid, still morning. Dreamy and unbelievably quiet. All the tumult, all the brute churnings of the world absent, almost…
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Catharsis in the Streets
The other night I saw a video of a few dozen protestors bringing down a statue. All of them pulling…
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Confronting the Tulsa Massacre
Less than a year ago, back in The Before Times, Rachelle and I were lying in bed watching TV. The…
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Hulk Eating
HULK OPENS UP ABOUT HIS EATING Hulk like to eat, it true, but only rumour that Hulk eat enemy. Hulk…
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Bubbles of Memory
Tuesday morning and Rachelle is sitting out in the backyard working on her laptop. From the table she’s sitting at,…
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Jones vs. the Living Room Temple
Jones has been watching scenes from Raiders of the Lost Ark recently. He has turned off all the lights in…
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Covid Risk Chart
The list, below, looking at the risk of Covid-19 and other factors, assigns a score for activities from 1 to…
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Blackout Tuesday
Blackout Tuesday played-out like a full-on anxiety attack for whites. Nobody seemed to know if they were posting the image…
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The Poetry of Near Misses
In the middle of the night a huge limb from a tree in front of our apartment fell. It landed…
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Hulk Dreams
The Incredible Hulk Dreams of his Scary Feelings 1. In dream Hulk mad. Really mad. Hulk go to park to…
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Murder Wasp
A Murder Wasp Answers the Vanity Fair Proust Questionnaire: ************************************************** 1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? “It might…
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Days that vanish as if through a trapdoor, nights that simply dissolve. Rachelle and I, our daily responsibilities now behind…
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The Pandemic Zodiac
The Pandemic Zodiac: Sourdough (Formerly Aries) Sourdoughs love to be number one, so it’s no surprise that these energetic go-getters…
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A blue forever sky this morning. A man in his 60’s with a quarantine beard coasts down the street on…
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Ask the Plague Doctor
ASK THE PLAGUE DOCTOR! Q: What colours are the fucking sneaker? A: Although I see a kind of shitty, aluminum…
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Sunday was a beautiful, sunny day and Rachelle, Jones and I drove over to a friend’s home to pick up…
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A Map of Social Media’s Current Understanding of Covid-19:
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The sun is warmer, more present this morning. You don’t have to search for it. It lands upon you naturally,…
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Sweet Prince
Good-night, Sweet Prince: Beloved Baseball Mascot Mr. Met Dies at 56. **************************** It is with great sadness that the New…
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Plague Doctor
ASK THE PLAGUE DOCTOR! If any of you have any questions concerning the current pandemic, please send them to me…
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Standing Outside
Standing outside, the thin sunlight on my face. The sound of birds coming and going. Different now, somehow. Upstairs, a…
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The Children
The children are all so ridiculously beautiful. There are maybe six of them on the screen, each one perfect, like…
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Heidi Fight
Today I have given the Blog over to Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund: ************************************************* Listen Two-Leggers. Heidi know a lot about…
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A crisp Monday morning
A crisp Monday morning. Jones abandons our Leggo project and runs to the front window. It’s Ted! Ted works for…
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College girls
College girls doing kart wheels in front of our apartment, alive and happy in their bodies, the sun shining down…
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Jones morning
Rachelle and I are sitting on the sofa. The winter not yet over. We’ve passed through some pretty rough weather,…
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Generation X
The Shittiest Generation The other day a friend and I went to see the movie 1917. It’s an Oscar favourite,…
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Heidi Blog
Today I have given The Blog over to Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund: **************************************************** Know Paw Patrol? It really big deal.…
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Dead General
Last week one of Iran’s top military men was assassinated by the USA. Qasem Soleimani. I had never heard of…
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Jones Fire
I try to imagine what Jones will remember of me. Sometimes, I wish I could construct his memories. The three…
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Heidi Blog
Today I have given the Blog over to Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund ************************************ Heidi pretty old dog now. No longer…
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Cobra Strike Dream
The Dream As told by Hillard Graves, 38: As a boy I had a recurring dream. I had the ability…
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Jones Rising
Jones smiles when I wake him up this morning. He seems cloud happy, like he’s still inhabiting the thin place…
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Trump Dream
The Dream As told by Robert Dugger, 46: “I hate Donald Trump. I’ve always hated him. I find there to…
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Jones tree
Jones is exhausted after school. Beneath his bright, yellow backpack he wobbles up the street. So small beneath his outsized…
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Greta Thunberg ordering a coffee
This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be standing here. I should be back in school not waiting in this long,…
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Kindergarten pickup
The parents line-up by a chain link fence behind a big, flowering bush. The teacher lets us into the school…
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Ms. Monopoly
These are the text messages my wife Rachelle sent to me the other day: ******************************************* Rachelle: You’re still mad about…
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Back to School
“I’m fancy,” Jones announces. Standing there in our apartment, looking like a million bucks. Mommy taking photographs of him from…
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Tropical Storm Dorian
As Tropical Storm Dorian transitions into a hurricane and tracks toward Florida, it’s worth noting that it used to be…
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Jones in the morning
The day is fresh and clean, so much lighter than yesterday. Jones is four now, and the clouds are high…
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An Incident
There was an incident. Not a serious incident, but an incident nonetheless. My wife Rachelle bought a phone that had…
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Van Morrison
Share what the song Sweet Thing by Van Morrison has meant to your life: Lucas Stanford 52: “I was sick…
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Construction Workers
The interior of the hospital is chilly and when you step outside the sweltering, heavy air of the city attaches…
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Western Hospital Elevator
Early in the morning and the sounds of a distant hammer striking wood comes in through the window.
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Western Hospital
On the eighth floor of the cardiac wing at the Toronto Western Hospital a man sits on a bench…
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Apology to Dirty Pigeon Fantasy Hockey League
As you will no doubt have heard, a photograph of me from my 1984 high school yearbook has surfaced.
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Blundstones
The other day my wife Rachelle Maynard posted this on a Buy, Sell and Trade Facebook group she belongs…
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Text Messages From Rachelle
These are the text messages I received from my wife Rachelle the other day:
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Mindfulness Exercise
I am currently taking part in a program that encourages attention. This was today’s exercise:
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The Western Hospital in Toronto
The elderly husband is in a wheelchair being pushed through the hospital by his elderly wife.
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Breakfast Club #4
As many of you will have heard, I have started a weekly Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
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The Breakfast Club #3
As many of you will have heard, I have started a daily Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
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Colin Kaepernick Nike Ad
Colin Kaepernick, the NFL quarterback who sparked a player protest movement by taking a knee for social justice during…
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Ceilidh in PEI
My parents have taken Rachelle, Jones and I, as well as my sister and her boyfriend, on a…
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Doug Ford Bookclub
As many of you likely remember, Rob Ford, the late Mayor of Toronto, and I were enrolled at Carleton…
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Injured Squirrel
Last week the man working on some construction projects on the street brought me an injured squirrel.
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The Breakfast Club #2
As many of you will have heard, I have started a Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
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Apology for Tweets of 2008
My level of celebrity has gotten to the point where people are digging up my ancient Tweets.
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The Breakfast Club #1
As many of you will have heard, I have started a daily Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
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Public Shaming
Public shaming of members of President Trump’s administration has become the latest act of resistance against the government.
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World Cup Daily with hosts Proteus-6 and Colossus
World Cup Daily with hosts Proteus-6 and Colossus:
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Princess Margaret
Tough guys, down from whatever floor they’d been warehoused in at the hospital, sat outside smoking.
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White House Gift Shop Sale
WE’RE DRAINING THE SWAMP AND HAVING THE GREATEST SALE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!!!
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Emergency Alerts
Canada’s new mobile alert system was tested about a week ago and everybody was unhappy with the results.
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St. Augustine Alligator Farm
While visiting family in Florida, we took Jones to visit the St. Augustine Alligator Farm.
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Fantasy Baseball Trade Talks with Margaret Atwood
As many of you know, Canadian literary legend Margaret Atwood
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White House Correspondents Dinner
It’s amazing to me that the White House Correspondents dinner still exists in an age that contains Trump and Twitter.
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Doug N’ Dash
The first thing you should probably know about Doug Ford is that his brother, Rob Ford, was Toronto’s fun-loving, celebrity…
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Echocardiogram
There were about six other people in the waiting room at the Toronto Western Hospital’s Cardiology Clinic.
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Text Messages from my wife
These are the text messages I received from my wife Rachelle the other day:
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The Winter Olympics
This is an exchange between myself and the excellent Kathryn McLeod about what the best Olympic Winter sport is:
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Doug Ford Ayahuasca Experience
Doug Ford, front runner in the Ontario Conservative leadership race, relates his experience with Ayahuasca:
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Questions to Santa
As many of you know, I’ve been working over the holidays for a service that answer’s Dear Santa letters:
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100 Waitresses–The Keg
It’s a Friday night just before Christmas and The Keg Mansion is insanely busy.
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Mom writes Atwood again
As many of you know, I’ve been engaged in a running feud with Canadian literary legend Margaret Atwood
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New US Ambassadors
Via Twitter, President Donald Trump announced a new wave of ambassadorial appointments today:
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Hand Sanitizer Review
It’s become bluntly apparent that it’s impossible for me to earn a living working as a writer.
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My mother’s letter to Margaret Atwood
My mother, who is just a little bit older than Canadian literary legend Margaret Atwood, has never been on the…
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Atwood at the park
Many of you know that I’ve had an antagonistic relationship with literary legend Margaret Atwood for awhile now.
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Jones going to daycare
On Wednesday I took our two year-old son Jones on a short walk up the street to his first encounter…
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Atwood Condo Tweet Fight
As many of you know, literary genius Margaret Atwood and I have had an acrimonious relationship ever since I interviewed…
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Elmo Press Conference
Trump administration Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders has been replaced by popular Sesame Street character Elmo. This is his first…
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Super-Yacht Newsletter
This is a newsletter posted to the Super Yacht Community message board after the demonstrations in Charlottesville, Virginia :
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Bitter Writer
Bitter Writer is an advice column in which I answer any questions related to the literary world.
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Trudeau Fan Fiction
As many of you know, I grew up in the same part of Ottawa as Canadian Prime Minister and…
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Billy Bishop Airport
Billy Bishop airport, which sits tiny and sweet on Toronto Island, has the feel of a Fisher Price toy.
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Pulmonary Rehab
On the weekends almost all of the patients in my program at pulmonary rehabilitation go home.
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Justin Trudeau/Matthew Perry Fight
As most of you will recall, I went to high school with Matthew Perry.
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Hospital Visit
In the foyer of the Toronto Western Hospital, a woman slightly past middle-age pushed a man in a wheelchair.
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Mary Tyler Moore Eulogy
Donald Trump delivers the eulogy for Mary Tyler Moore. ******************************
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Social Media for The Box Factory
As many of you know, I’ve been working at The Box Factory for a long time now.
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Heidi Blog
As many of you know we had to give up Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, when it became vividly clear that…
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Christmas shopping on Queen West at dusk
Broken men, huddled near the doorway to the Salvation Army, look out at the passing shoppers.
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Princess Margaret Hospital
Outside of the Princess Margaret Hospital people sat about taking in the unseasonable temperature.
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Heidi Letter
As some of you may have heard, Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund of the last ten years, is no longer living…
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Nadine Gelineau
It’s probably fair to say that in the year 1979, Ottawa was not a particularly “cool” place.
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The New Edinburgh Pub–A clean, well lighted place
There is no doubt that we will all be pulled into the shadows of this life at one time or…
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Andy Murray Match Fixing
Scottish born Andy Murray, a Wimbledon champion who is ranked second in the world in men’s tennis, is a distant…
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David Bowie/Oregon Standoff
It’s been over a week now since Ammon Bundy and his armed band of Constitutional enthusiasts
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The Citizens for Constitutional Freedom
Only white people could come up with a name like The Citizens for Constitutional Freedom.
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My Trump Protest
As I disagree with Donald Trump on everything, I’ve decided to do something about it.
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