Plague Doctor

ASK THE PLAGUE DOCTOR!

If any of you have any questions concerning the current pandemic, please send them to me and I will make sure that The Plague Doctor responds:

Q: Dear Plague Doctor:

Joggers.

The other day I was walking down the street observing all the conceivable laws of social distancing, when without any warning two joggers came up from behind and swiftly passed on either side of me. I could feel the pulse of their humidity as they swept around me.

It was disgusting.

I wanted to kill them.

What is one to do about this?

A. In the before times, the urban war was fought between cars and bicycles. The car was evil and entitled and wanted to fuck you, while bicycles were noble steeds ridden by plucky, guerrilla rebels. In the now times, the jogger has taken over black hat status from the car. The runner has become a predator, an alpha proudly blaring their confidence and vitality like some sort of fucking car alarm.

The rest of us– mortal, vulnerable and fully attired in our panic suits as we walk rigidly down the street trying to pretend that everything is normal– are a form of prey for them. We’re the Stop Sign that they rev up for and then blow through.

Yes, who amongst us has not now had some younger, better version of ourselves brush past us at a run, mocking everything we fear? It is their life force they are signalling, to both themselves, and the world. They will execute nimble moves of avoidance, not so much to ease our anxiety, but because their bodies still permit them to do such things. They want us to know, that we, and this whole, bogus lockdown thing, is an inconvenience to them.

Their bodies represent strength, our’s vulnerability.
They are the future, the rest of us, the withering past.

And so yes, fill their bodies with arrows.
Cast dark spells upon them and burn them with fire.

It is the only way.

A new world is upon is, and it is pitiless.

The Plague Doctor