Wedding Invite
Today I received a truly astonishing letter:
Dear Michael:
I think you know just how much Caleb and I love you. We think you’re one of the most unique, misunderstood people that we have ever met, which is why this is so terribly awkward and difficult for us, but we are sorry to say that we can no longer host you at our wedding on April 13th. We thought carefully about it, and after you wrote in, “ A St**k sure would be nice!” when asked if you would rather have ‘Tofu Banh Mi Sliders’ or ‘Vegan Cauliflower Tacos with Chipolte Cream’ for your meal at our fully vegan wedding, Caleb and I realized we simply could not host murderers on our sacred day. There is nothing funny about killing, and we cannot start our official life together by compromising our ethics. We simply will not do it.
We hope you understand. Much love to you, Michael, and we hope your evolution continues and you become the man that both The World and The Creator needs you to be.
Much love,
Almond and Caleb
PS: Obviously, we no longer expect a wedding gift from you, but if you wanted to donate to
“Food Not Bombs,” you would be giving to the world rather than taking from it.
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Why, Michael Murray, you murderous carnivore you. How DARE you take the life of… ermmm… wait a minute.
Do you own a slaughterhouse? Your own highly customized abbatoir? Do you perform arcane rituals before sacrificing these poor cattle and then enjoying their tasty, tender, grilled to perfection flesh?
If so, I understand why you were disinvited, you barbarian!
If none of the above is true?
Spend their wedding day at a Churrascaria and then take them off your Christmas card list.