Doug Ford Bookclub
As many of you likely remember, Rob Ford, the late Mayor of Toronto, and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time back in the 1980’s.
We became drinking buddies then, and I got to know his family a little bit and have found myself in the entirely surprising position as being in a Book Club with Doug Ford, his older, angrier, more politically conservative brother, who was just elected Premier of Ontario.
Here is a partial transcript of the meeting of our last Book Club:
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Doug Ford: Okay, okay, quieten down.
Lucy: Oh, I just watched the movie and it was SO scary.
Me: Was it the original or the remake?
Doug Ford: Jesus and goddamn, put a sock in it!
Me: Sorry.
Doug Ford: I’ll make you sorry Murray. You and I, shot put field after this. No excuses, and for Christ’s sake, use a coaster! This isn’t some chicken shack, here!
Lucy: I would love it if this was a chicken shack.
Doug Ford: Goddamn Lucy, you are on warning!
And if there is one more interruption from either of you, Sweet Jesus, you don’t even want to know. Just try me. ( Several seconds pass) Yeah, you just try me. Okay, that’s what I thought.
Okay then. The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson.
Story of a businessman who saw a really, really sweet real estate deal. He takes advantage and moves his family into this great house and it turns out it’s haunted and everybody gets scared and they run away from the best investment they ever made. But why the haunting, what does that symbolize?
Lucy: It’s the story of Colonialsm. The house was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and some white settlers arrived and did not honour this, so the haunting is symbolic of the suffering and fury and pain of our first peoples whom we’ve commodified and marginalized.
Doug Ford: I think I’m going puke.
I’ve never heard something so stupid in my entire life.
The ghosts are big government regulations that drove the businessman crazy. He made a good investment. Was doing some renos. Providing jobs for his community. But every time he goes to do something, say make a panic room or dungeon chamber, there’s some inspector pecking, pecking, pecking at him. Everywhere he turns: regulations, taxation, bureaucracy, protests, special interests. Even when he’s trying to have relations with his lady, regulations show up in the form of some spirit!
It’s exhausting. And you think it’s the ghosts who are the victims?? You got a screw loose, Lucy, a goddamn screw loose. The businessman is the victim here, harassed by the state to the point of madness, it’s a miracle that he was strong enough not to go on a mass killing spree!
Me: So you’re saying this book is a cautionary tale against big government?
Doug Ford: Slow clap for Einstein here. Yes, dammit, of course the book is a cautionary tale against government interference, and it’s as plain as this expensive gold chain around my neck.
And if you can’t see that, well, there’s nothing that can be done, you might as well move to Russia, comrade.
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Speaking of book clubs, I feel duty bound to give you my review of Mr. Murray’s mighty tome “A Van Full of Girls”. I’ll start by saying it’s a must have for anyone who’s a fan of this blog, and great fun for anyone else with a funny bone.
It’s chock-full of humorous short stories, but none of the “poignant” stuff you sometimes see here. Perfect for a merciless carnivore looking to be amused.
You can get the book on Amazon, but for a Luddite like me it’s also possible to get it directly from Mr. Murray for $20 Canadian. Just send him an email. That’s what I did. It’s also possible to bribe him to provide extra embellishments for a few extra bucks. I was able to get Heidi’s signature, and she even called me a stink face, so I knew it had to be real. The Margaret Atwood message seemed a bit iffy, however. There were lots of stickers, though, so it was all good.
In terms of literary style, I would say it’s something Mark Twain and Larry David might come up with, assuming they’d fallen into some time warp and were writing stories about a hapless Canadian guy to amuse their friends in the New Yorker. Lightly amusing, yet bizarre and over the top.
I’m giving it 4.5 sharks-teeth out of 5, which is a ringing endorsement in my books. Shark teeth grow back, so not to worry.
If you’ve got money to burn, buy a bunch of copies to give to your friends. It’s an easy read for anyone with a sense of humour (maybe not for lawyers). The short story format is perfect for the beach, or transit, or anywhere really.
Do not be afraid. Just do it.