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Social Media | Welcome To The Magical Friendship Squad!
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Posts tagged ‘Social Media’

Greta Thunberg ordering a coffee


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This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be standing here. I should be back in school not waiting in this long, horrible lineup! This is not a Honeycomb Lavender Frappuccino! It is a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino! It is an abomination! Yet in spite of your laziness and incompetence, you come to me for hope, hope that this is the right order? How dare you! You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your flat, uninspired service. And yet I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m young. I have energy. But people are suffering under your ineptitude. They are exhausted. They need their caffeine, and without it entire PowerPoint presentations are collapsing. And all you can talk about is money and fairytales of good coffee and prompt service. How dare you!

And look! You have written Scoldilocks on my coffee container! You think this is funny? There is no time for funny business! Funny business shall be our death! You disgust me with your jokes while we suffer!

But no matter how sad and angry I am, I want you to know that I will never give up, I will have my Honeycomb Lavender Frappuccino, even as you betray me! The eyes of all future coffee drinkers are upon you, and if you choose to fail us I say we will never forgive you. We will not let you get away with this. We will never forgive you and you will burn in your own damnation!

Kindergarten pickup

The parents line-up by a chain link fence behind a big, flowering bush.

The teacher lets us into the school one by one or in pairs. When it’s my turn I step into the hallway and can see into the classroom. All the children are sitting in front of their cubbies, knapsacks on their backs, waiting to be picked up. Oh, they’re perfect. They truly are. Let them always remember this perfection that lives in their core.

And there’s Jones, talking with his friends. And when he looks up and sees me it is like something inside of him is switched on. The smile begins in his eyes and moves throughout his body like a current of light. He shouts, “Daddy!” and runs toward me. His uncalculated joy a living thing. He throws his little body into mine. And this is the moment I did not know I had been waiting for my entire life. It hits me like lightning, like religion.

We head home, stopping to get an ice cream cone. Cabbage white butterflies, reflecting sunlight off their wings, appear like sparks around us before vanishing into foliage, and Jones’ tiny hand reaching up for the ice cream cone. Everything so beautiful.

This golden stretch of day.

This privilege of blue skies.

Ms. Monopoly


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These are the text messages my wife Rachelle sent to me the other day:

*******************************************

Rachelle: You’re still mad about losing at Ms. Monopoly, aren’t you?

Rachelle: A resignation is a loss.

Rachelle: Yes, it is.

Rachelle: I know.

Rachelle: It was clear you were thrown off your game when you weren’t allowed to use your special dice or your customized Hat marker.

Rachelle: You didn’t quit because it was unfair.

Rachelle: You quit because you knew you had no hope of winning.

Rachelle: Yes. Times change.

Rachelle: That was the POINT of the game.

Rachelle: It was designed as a twist on the original, inverting the societal hierarchy we labour under, giving women $240 every time they pass Go, while men only get $200.

Rachelle: I have no idea what Jordan Peterson would say about that.

Rachelle: Who is he, anyway?

Rachelle: Boy, that’s an awful lot of links to YouTube videos.

Rachelle: Okay, okay, okay.

Rachelle: I’ve heard enough.

Rachelle: Fine. Equal opportunity and equity are different things.

Rachelle: So that’s the reason you quit Ms. Monopoly just when you were about to lose?

Rachelle: Okay. Resigned.

Rachelle: Principles.

Rachelle: Oh yes, we certainly do need more community leaders like you, Pickle!

Rachelle: Quitting a board game with friends and running off to “catalogue your comics” was indeed a brave and principled stance!

Rachelle: You bring honour into our home with your actions!

Rachelle: No, that’s not right.

Rachelle: You do not support our family by scavenging the garbage cans of Toronto for comics and then never bothering to resell the soggy, disgusting ones you retrieve.

Rachelle: You know it makes the neighbours very uncomfortable to see you doing that, don’t you?

Rachelle: Pickle, they have no idea what you’re looking for.

Rachelle: They’ve started to leave their empty wine bottles in front of our apartment.

Rachelle: I can’t believe you didn’t notice.

Rachelle: On Monday there must have 30 of them!

Rachelle: No.

Rachelle: That bottle increase had nothing to do with the film festival, and everything to do with the neighbours trying to charitably address your disturbing, garbage-picking ways.

Rachelle: Yes, it is nice of them.

Rachelle: Most people are nice, Pickle, it’s true.

Rachelle: I honestly don’t know if Cate Blanchett is nice.

Rachelle: I can’t imagine you having dinner with her.

Rachelle: You’d lose all composure, drop your cutlery, knock over glasses. That sort of thing.

Rachelle: My guess is Jennifer Lawrence is nicer.

Rachelle: I suppose you’re going on another celebrity watch today?

Rachelle: Okay. Just don’t be creepy, and remember to pick-up some coconut water! Must get back to work! xo

Jones Rain

Jones and I are both in good moods. Read more

Blue Jays

As many of you have heard, The Toronto Blue Jays have signed me, Michael, “Magic Mike,” Murray, to a two-year, $16,000 contract. Read more

Text Conversation

These are the text messages I received from my wife Rachelle the other day: Read more

Jones Spiderman

It is 8:00 in the morning. Read more

Joe Biden

Joe Biden, who has already served two terms as Vice President of the USA, Read more

Raptors

Around midnight my sister texted me from Ottawa. Read more

First day back

Jones walks by the bedroom swinging his arms in long, exaggerated motion. Read more